I Love You Just Because…

I love you because you were my drug of choice...

Wed, 07 Dec 2022 17:52:30 -0700

No one tells you about the itch you can’t ever quite itch.. or the thoughts that you can never settle.

The reoccurring movie that plays in your head of the moments that you bonded when you were high and felt more grounded than you’ve ever felt before. Tied to this perfect relationship so imperfectly. Feeling needed and wanted, warm in an embrace of endorphins and serotonin falsely elevated by the last hit.

I love you because you talk behind my back

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 19:57:40 -0600

It’s been awhile, and I would love to say I was off having grand adventures, but really, I was laying in my bed every non-busy moment and binging TV like it was my new heroin. “Mild to Moderate Depression” I think is what they call it. I would rather refer to it as COVID burnout. The moments that used to bring joy are now filled with doubts of whether I am appropriately attired to attend an event, or appointment. A slight cough from a person next to me now prompts disgust that I’d never entertained for a stranger before (I’m working on that one). Through all of this, writing seemed like a chore. I try to bring happy, carefree, or hopeful shorts.. and none of those emotions have been in my toolbelt consistently for the last year or so.

I love you for the second day

Sun, 25 Apr 2021 17:11:38 -0600

Second day after the shot.

12:12 am I can’t sleep and I’m starting to wonder what was in the syringe…

4:32 am at some point I fell asleep, because now I am awake again. My face is freezing, I’m shivering. Maybe this is the end.

4:34 am I remember I didn’t turn on the heater last night and the house is 54 degrees. It is not the end

5:36 am My farts smell like I’ve eaten nothing but eggs for 3 days. Everything is heavy, especially my face

I love you because you won't go away

Sat, 24 Apr 2021 18:27:49 -0600

It’s been a year… a year since we were told to stay inside for a few weeks and this would all be over. A year since everyone seems to have lost their patience, happiness and sanity. A year since speed limits mattered and people knew that the lines on the road are to define actual lanes. A year since the great run on toilet paper. Then the vaccine came out and many places are starting to reopen fully. Today I got my second shot. I will be journaling it for you.

I love you because you are always there...

Sat, 07 Nov 2020 18:45:01 -0700

Forty something years ago my parents became parents for the first time. They had the perfect first child. I know he would argue otherwise, because humility is one of his natural attributes. I didn’t know until years later that when they had me, he was thrilled to have a little sister. From that moment forward, there was always something different about our bond. He has always tried to be my protector… and we both know, I never made it easy. We would get in trouble together, a lot, he would usually taking the bulk of punishment. At least that’s how I’ll remember it.

Quarantine day eleventy-seven...

Mon, 11 May 2020 20:32:08 -0600

We are now at the point that the days are becoming slightly more clear, the weeks are flying by, but the days of the week are clearer. I think my people skills are getting better.. but on the same hand, I’m pretty sure I’m the same level of awkward as before. I am kind of digging the masks thing.. there’s something about having your face half hidden that removes a lot of stress of looking good.

Quarantine day 7,001

Tue, 28 Apr 2020 21:16:19 -0600

I live in a state that has decided to open this week. I have chosen the best use of my abilities is to continue wearing pants with elastic and t-shirts with holes on the collar. People are treating yesterday like a day that because the government said we were safe to go outside, we are safe. I’m going to wait it out for another week or so and see what happens to all the people that are licking doorknobs this week. If they are OK in a week or so, I might venture out.

quarantine day 736

Wed, 15 Apr 2020 18:02:33 -0600

Today I am choosing to be grateful. Lots of time to think about everything. Don’t get me wrong, I think about everything all the time anyway, but these thoughts are different. Time is moving slower. Slower in such a way that my normal thought process that skips from idea to curiosity like a 4 year old on caffeine has changed into full thoughts, slow.. from beginning to end.

This morning I was looking through Facebook memories. Mostly because I like to self-torture. I realized this month is my yearly anniversary of being clean. I used to struggle with sobriety. As does everyone that has ever tried to get clean or sober. Now a year has passed faster than a blink. With the quarantine going on, I wondered how many addicts are hurting right now? How many people are being forced to face withdrawal alone? How many people are trying drugs as an escape, not realizing that none of us had that first high realizing we had just sealed ourselves into a label? No one starts using to become addicted. But that’s usually where it ends up. Today, my heart hurts for them. I am grateful I am not withdrawing, or trying to find a way to make money for drugs, and that another year went by easily.

Quarantine day 73-b

Sun, 12 Apr 2020 17:54:28 -0600

This week was one that topped the last year of quarantine. Time is blurring together, some things I’m recalling may have happened this week or last year… we don’t know anymore - disregard my inconsistencies with time, it has no meaning anymore. My washing machine yelled at me today and told me I needed to clean it. I didn’t know that was a thing. But with all my spare time, I was able to research.. and yes, it is in fact a thing to clean your machines that do your washing. Both dishes and clothes. I’m shook (as my kids would say… or is it woke?)

Quarantine day 42.c

Mon, 06 Apr 2020 23:51:39 -0600

I think I’m more on top of it today than other days. I know trash is tomorrow because one of the kids came in and emptied all the bins in my room earlier. I will have to verify with the calendar on the fridge, but I think trash picks up Tuesdays. I realize my sense of security is false. I’m learning to live in denial. It’s nice.

I have learned a lot in the last few days. For example, I learned that when I chew gum I make small bubbles inside my mouth and pop them. Complete news to me. I discovered this when one of the people sitting next to me told me in their outside voice before they walked forcefully to their room. I’ve also learned that rock, paper, scissors will solve ALL the problems. If it doesn’t we do best two-out-of-three. I learned no one is too big for a fort.

Quarantine Day After Trash Day

Wed, 01 Apr 2020 19:47:57 -0600

The hair dying has begun. One of my daughters has dyed her hair a color I can only equate to as the squished remains of a box elder bug. Which may sound gross, but is actually a brilliant orange/red. She can pull it off.. I hope it lasts the rest of quarantine.

I have become more productive at work, since all I have to do is roll over and grab the computer. I’m putting in 17 hour days, my boss is really impressed. I may come out of this as a hunchback.

Quarantine day 16.. I think..

Mon, 30 Mar 2020 20:18:00 -0600

I missed yesterday.. not even sure yesterday really happened. I tried my pants on yesterday and am not pleased that they are shrinking due to non-usage. We had a family dinner last night and it was quiet. Like really quiet. I think we are all a little over each other. This morning the internet decided there could only be 3 of us on at a time. We are about to start a thunder dome in the backyard to determine who gets priority.

I love you because you didn’t cough on me...

Tue, 24 Mar 2020 12:40:08 -0600

Day 9 of voluntary quarantine. I should have been writing before this, but to be honest.. it wasn’t as funny till now. Here’s some of the adjustments.

I have been sending memes back and forth with one of my friends, we have almost made it through all memes post 1996.. not sure what happens when we run out. On that note, I have begun to answer work emails with memes instead of sentences. No one has said anything yet. Most of them are about the rampant lack of toilet paper.

I love you because it’s not easy...

Tue, 09 Jul 2019 20:04:26 -0600

I used to think when the kids were little that the days would never end and sometimes, weeks lasted a lifetime. I thought when they were little that was the toughest it would be. The exhaustion, never ending nights, temper tantrums, refusal to eat.. for days at a time. All while I focused on a career and college. Some days I didn’t think I would survive. Or maybe I thought they wouldn’t survive.

I love you because you weren’t my happily ever after...

Wed, 04 Jul 2018 09:21:00 -0600

Today used to be a day for the last several years I would dread. Because today marks not only the independence of our country, but also a marriage I used to ultimately want to forget. The beginning was great, even before the beginning… I thought he was my soul mate. We had sparks like I’d never experienced before.

Have you ever met someone though, and it’s just not healthy for them to be around you and you would do anything to make them happy, so it wasn’t healthy for you either? That was this. The pull I had to this person was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It led us down a path filled with addiction and abuse. Ultimately leading to a divorce and harsh feelings from both sides.

I love you because I can see you...

Mon, 23 Apr 2018 18:52:09 -0600

Hey you… yeah, you.

I see you. I see how hard it is. I see you struggle. I see the deep sadness you try to hide, the hopelessness you feel.

I wish you saw yourself the way I do.

You are beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside.

I see the choices you make, for you, for your family. Scary, unsure choices.

I see your sacrifices.

I see your selflessness, whether you see it or not.

You leaving was the best thing you ever did for me…

Sun, 04 Mar 2018 19:01:00 -0700

You left. It hurt, but the days keep coming and eventually the sharp pain turned into a dull ache. It’s no longer unbearable, not it a reminder that it was a good thing we had, but an even better thing when it was over.

You made me believe, while you were here, that I needed you. That I couldn’t survive without you. You leaving taught me that I was strong enough to do anything on my own.

I love you because you’re still sticking around…

Sun, 31 Dec 2017 11:31:00 -0700

2017… much like 2016, was full of surprises, adventures and some learning experiences.
2017
I was sure I had met the man I was supposed to be with. Less than 2 months into 2017, he was gone. It taught me to open my eyes a little better.
I remained cancer free for 11 months.
I watched all of my kids grow and mature, some 180 degrees beyond what they were a year prior.
I made new life-long friends and said goodbye to a few others.
I lost several very close relatives and am still reminded every day how short life is.
I was given an opportunity for a career unlike any I have had before.
And I went to India. That trip, several months later, still has me somewhat speechless, unable to fully process the things I saw and did.

I love you because you’re old…

Sun, 19 Nov 2017 18:48:00 -0700

As I get older I begin to realize… well… that I’m getting older. I also am figuring out things that I wish I knew when I was younger and could have told myself 20 years ago…

The person you see in the mirror isn’t someone you will recognize some days… that’s just weird, but also kind of cool… you get to change bodies and faces every 10 years or so.
Sleep has again, become the most important thing.
That you have far underestimated my worth in certain areas, but that it’s not too late to change that.
That it’s ok to just now know what you want to be when you grow up and you’re never too old to start a career.
Dry skin gets so much worse.
No one cries pretty, unless you’re faking it, in which case, you’re not old enough for the rest of the list to make sense to you yet.
It is completely possible to be lonely in a house full of people.
No matter how much time you have with your mom, it’s never going to be enough.
That you am more than just a vagina, and you don’t have to resort to just that for attention.
That people will make time for the things they want to, if you keep getting blown off, you’re not one of those things, move on.
Someone that tells you they’ve been too busy to call, for weeks, or respond to messages… isn’t interested, move on.
Someone that calls only to have sex, isn’t interested in you, just an easy conquest, move on.
Matching socks are overrated
Your children will watch every single thing you do, you are shaping them to be exactly like you, so carefully choose your actions.
Be the type of woman you want your sons to marry and the type of woman you wants your daughters to be like, because they will
Take risks and adventures, don’t wait… why would you? Things start falling apart, get more hectic and time moves faster when you get older… enjoy it while you’re young enough to.
The more you know about yourself, the more you will feel alone. But it’s a good alone, because you’re finally ok with just you.
It’s ok to have gray hair, you’ve earned it.
Some of the best things in life include watching your kids grow and figure it out.
It’s ok not to settle, for anything, the best will happen if you just wait for it.
You only need one good friend.
Gravity is real… and unforgiving.
Be silly, as often as possible.. it will create a laugh inside you that pops out at the best… and worst times.
Listen when people tell you your beautiful, they’re being genuine.
Sometimes you choose to do things that you know are painful, and then you ugly cry alone, because you knew better, but you still did it.
Being an adult is something no one ever reaches expert level at, and that’s ok.
Love yourself, exactly for the person you are becoming and the person you were… they’re both incredible people that deserve more than you tend to give them.

I love you just because you let me…

Sun, 30 Jul 2017 10:19:00 -0600

I had just exited an abusive relationship. One that I would have panic attacks while diving on the highway sometimes when I was left with nothing but my thoughts, and memories. Men were the enemy, I thought I would never love another man again.

I was pregnant at the time, determined to try to bring that baby into the world and despite its gender, try to love it, though it was the product of a time in my life I would have rather forgotten.