The stages of grief are something I’m familiar with, very familiar. It doesn’t happen just with loss. It happens with the possibility of loss, with disappointments, with let-down expectations. Trying to force acceptance never works quite the way I want it to, and if I don’t let my emotions and soul work through each phase as it needs to, until completion, inevitably, I end up back at the beginning. Stupid feelings.
I have been struggling with acceptance for what’s going on in my life. I’ll be the first person to tell people, if you don’t like your situation, change it. You control your future. Sometimes, you don’t control the things that happen, but you absolutely control how you handle them. I’ve been angry, a lot. Little things are making me irrationally upset. I realized this morning as I watch the sunrise, it’s because I feel helpless. But then I realized, I don’t feel hopeless.
I chase sunrises, as often as possible. Sometimes I catch them, sometimes I don’t. This morning, I am blessed to be on a west facing hill with no traffic, no city lights, no noise. I have been here before and know shortly I will hear the deer that live nearby, waking up and calling to each other. The moon’s slight sliver isn’t providing enough light for anything and darkness like this is rare, but welcome. I can see the entire Milky Way. Orion’s Belt, for some reason sticks out, no matter where I am, it’s always the first constellation I see. This morning, they are all bright.
I have hope, faith, and the understanding that everything… and I have to believe everything.. happens for a reason. Each word I speak, or is spoken to me. The shirt I picked out today. The different people’s paths I cross. The irritations in my day. The annoyances that occur. The laughter that happens. The inspiration in unexpected places. Every single breath. They are all for a reason, a purpose.
So, instead of letting myself play victim, feel sorry for myself, and wallow in the self-pity that no one would look twice at, I’m going to remember that there is another sunrise tomorrow. One that I will fight with everything I have to meet, as it peeks over the horizon. Then, I’ll take that sunrise and make it mine, spreading the same wonder and joy I feel when I catch one, wherever I end up. Because this is not by accident.