I Love You Just Because…

Second day after the shot.

12:12 am I can’t sleep and I’m starting to wonder what was in the syringe…

4:32 am at some point I fell asleep, because now I am awake again. My face is freezing, I’m shivering. Maybe this is the end.

4:34 am I remember I didn’t turn on the heater last night and the house is 54 degrees. It is not the end

5:36 am My farts smell like I’ve eaten nothing but eggs for 3 days. Everything is heavy, especially my face

7:02 am I wake up, everything hurts especially where the nurse hit me. I take advil and go back to sleep

9:22 am I am awake and going to attempt to eat something. My burps smell like flinstone’s vitamins.

10:57 am I am exhausted. My eyes are heavy, I’m freezing and whatever I ate is not happy and threatening to come back up. I am full on hiding in my blanket for at this point and one of the kids has delivered a cup to throw up in.

2:01 pm I just woke up. The bed is soaked. I verify I did not in fact wet the bed… I guess that’s what happens when you have a fever and it works itself out. At this point I think I’m overdosing on Advil. What ever the max limit is, I believe I have exceeded it.

3:13 pm I am questioning why I didn’t take the drugs when offered yesterday. Everything is achy and feels like it doesn’t want to work right

4:04 pm I order a large sandwich from JJ to deliver because when I feel bad, I eat

5:07 pm This feels oddly close to what it feels like when you are withdrawing from several different drugs. Chest is heavy and deep breaths hurt. I did shower and change the sheets so I wasn’t laying in a puddle.

Today has been rough, trying to find a comfortable position to lay in and everything hurts. I think it means I’m not going to die though and that it’s doing what it’s supposed to. I am learning to trust my farts again and have a can of air freshener next to me so I don’t kill anyone. More to come.

It’s been a year… a year since we were told to stay inside for a few weeks and this would all be over. A year since everyone seems to have lost their patience, happiness and sanity. A year since speed limits mattered and people knew that the lines on the road are to define actual lanes. A year since the great run on toilet paper. Then the vaccine came out and many places are starting to reopen fully. Today I got my second shot. I will be journaling it for you.

9:08 am we leave the house to drive over an hour north because was NOWHERE nearby. I think I can still feel where they gave me the last shot in my right …er… left arm

10:20 am we get there. It’s a clinic in the middle of nowhere and it doesn’t appear busy. We chill in the parking lot like stalkers watching the occasional person leave.

10:45 am We are tired of waiting. Planning to walk in and see if we can get in earlier than the scheduled 11:10 appointment. I’m feeling dizzy. I think it’s the first vaccine letting it’s twin know we are near

11:00 am All signed in and waiting for someone to stab me. Questioning several life decisions… including not getting a helicopter when I had the chance.

11:03 am She’s swabbing the area… I am trying to relax but OMG SHE HIT ME IN THE MUSCLE AND IS PUSHING THE VACCINE INTO MY SOUL

11:04 am she tells me to suck it up and is now swabbing the OPEN WOUND with another alcohol swab… I ask her who hurt her. She slaps it to see if it will bleed. It does not. She hands me my card and a kitchen timer. Timer is set to 15 minutes to see if I die before the statute of limitation is up on the vaccine.

11:06 am I’m pretty sure when she was trying to stab for bones she hit something because I swear I can taste the vaccine. I want to ask them if it’s just going to end up in the back of my throat, why couldn’t they just have given me a shooter. I don’t. They are busy with other people

11:11 am I have to pee. and fart. not sure if those are real feelings or if the effects of the vaccine are starting to hit.

11:16 am I pee. Not sure I can trust the fart, so I don’t.

11:19 am I haven’t died. I don’t think. Maybe I entered a virtual world and this is all a simulation.

11:22 am my arm hurts. I rub it, it helps.

11:38 am my other arm hurts, I think it’s having sympathy pains. Or I’m dying

11:58 am ONLY my other arm hurts now. I’m whiny. the person I’m with tells me to suck it up. ZERO sympathy

11:59 am I get offered narcotics for the pain. I feel like I should say no since it was from my mother… is this a test? Are we in reality?

12:22 pm I taste butter. the wrong arm hurts. My collar bone hurts… probably the un-trustable fart bubble making it’s way upwards as I refuse to let it go.

12:55 pm I see smells. We are still in the car and I am trying to not think about what will happen if I relax my butt cheeks. the wrong arm still hurts

1:10 pm the wrong arm hurts and I think my face is melting

1:35 pm I am no longer concerned about my arm hurting because my lips feel funny and my face feels melty. Still not trusting the fart

2:10 pm I am so grateful I did not trust the fart or I would have had to clean the car. Either the vaccine caused some things to move or it was the burger king I had for breakfast. I’m blaming the vaccine. Face still feels melty

2:26 pm face feels melty and my eyeballs are sticky.

2:41 pm eyeballs are not sticky if I do not close them

2:56 pm I’m eating my 4th meal of the day. I heard something about carbo-loading for the vaccine, right? Face is melty and I am checking in the mirror to make sure I am not having a stroke. Now my right thigh hurts

3:30 pm I am going to take a nap, my eyes are sticky and they don’t want to stay open anymore

5:45 pm I am woken up by a text from a kid asking about dinner… don’t they know I’m trying to not grow a third arm in here???

6:05 pm I eat again… because you know.. feed a vaccine starve a cold or something like that

6:07 pm I am working out for a minute, not because I’ve eaten enough for 3 people today, but because the vaccine needs to move through my body (I think I read that somewhere)

6:08pm I threw up. Also, still cannot trust a fart.

6:15 pm I don’t think I’m going to die. Actually, after I took out my contacts, my eyes are a lot less sticky. Drinking a ton of water… the cotton mouth is crazy. Small bruise forming on my arm where she skewered me. I will keep updating. There are a little residue smells coming through from the color yellow, I have requested everyone not wear anything of that color.

Some of this is loosely based on what really happened with me trying to use humor in a very depressing world void of many people who have forgotten to laugh. Get the vaccine if you feel it’s for you. Don’t if you don’t. The nurses were very sweet and accommodating to my dramatics. I will keep updating today, but I don’t think I am having a stroke.. though my face does feel weird. I really have eaten way more than I should have today. And no, I still cannot trust a fart.

Forty something years ago my parents became parents for the first time. They had the perfect first child. I know he would argue otherwise, because humility is one of his natural attributes. I didn’t know until years later that when they had me, he was thrilled to have a little sister. From that moment forward, there was always something different about our bond. He has always tried to be my protector… and we both know, I never made it easy. We would get in trouble together, a lot, he would usually taking the bulk of punishment. At least that’s how I’ll remember it.

He’s always made me feel wanted, cared for, and that I mattered. He gave me my first sister and some pretty cool nieces and a nephew.

I know when I hurt, he hurts… I hope he knows it works the other way around too.

I hope he knows that the things he struggles with are things I wish more than anything I could fix for him. I hope he knows how much I love him.

Today, while he celebrates a birthday… not knowing without a calculator which one it actually is. I hope he knows that I wish for him that life will start a new chapter, and no, he’s not too old for adventures. That things that make you lose sleep are so temporary. That you are not alone, ever. And that I hope he knows that I think he’s the best big brother I could have hoped for. Happy birthday.

We are now at the point that the days are becoming slightly more clear, the weeks are flying by, but the days of the week are clearer. I think my people skills are getting better.. but on the same hand, I’m pretty sure I’m the same level of awkward as before. I am kind of digging the masks thing.. there’s something about having your face half hidden that removes a lot of stress of looking good.

Mother’s Day came and went, moderately uneventful. I was reminded again how lucky I am.. both that my kids are great, they don’t fight for the most part, they do chores without being asked… and most importantly, they aren’t toddlers. I feel for all the moms (and dads) that have been stuck inside with any child that is not completely ok being alone, and/or plugged into electronics like a crack addict. Those are the same children that need to eat all day.. We’ve managed to only go to the store twice in the last 3 months by only eating once every other day. Kidding, we have ordered enough take-out to feed them all at least once every 3 hours.

The threat of loss of internet access is the only thing that is making the final days of homework get finished. The school announcing that everyone’s grades will not decrease, regardless of participation, and then sending several emails a day telling me how many assignments each kid is missing… is sending mixed signals. Feels like an ex.

This week I learned that I shouldn’t eat bread several times a day. Or donuts. Or cookies. I learned that if someone is really important to me, I will make time… even and especially when all I really want to do is stay home. I have regretted going out exactly zero times.

I learned that sometimes, it’s ok to just sit and be with someone, maybe that’s all they need. They may need that silence more than you need to talk.

I learned that there is only one person that I can go to the bathroom with on video chat, and they are finally ok with it.. I think it means they are stuck with me in their lives forever.

I learned through a terrible situation that you don’t know the kind of impact you make on those around you. If you ever thought you were invisible, you weren’t to everyone. And the impacts we make through smalls act of friendship, or kindness, might make the difference in someone’s life that you never get to see. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t epic.

I have spent a lot of time in the last few weeks/months reevaluating every close relationship I have. Some I am making a concentrated effort to further and some stayed the same. Some of them I am letting go of because it’s time to move on. It’s no longer about the career, or the money, I was going to say or the status, but if you know me… that one didn’t matter before, it won’t matter now.. everything is about the people.

This week I finally reached the point where I am no longer taking any human contact for granted. I think I needed a “tolerance” break. This new world we are learning to live in doesn’t seem like it will ever quite be the same. Maybe it needed the change. Maybe next time it could be a little less rough.

This one is a little sappy… sorry, feeling sappy today. Here’s things I will NOT miss.

Reminding teenagers that I have seen them in the same clothes for a week straight and declaring a “shower day”.

The smell of microwaved ramen.

Having no spoons.. seriously, where are all the spoons.

Trying to convince the delivery drivers that we do not in fact have the ‘rona and they don’t have to throw the food at the front door and run.

Trying to convince my oldest daughter that even though she’s been the mom for the last decade or more, that it’s ok.. I’m here now and I can do it.. .because apparently, being a working single parent and relying heavily on the kids has made them super independent. She can have the household back.. I had my fun, we are good.

The smell of popcorn. I think that’s all they eat is ramen and popcorn.

Being kicked off the internet because everyone has 4 separate devices going at once.

Feeling like the dog loves me only for my blankets.

Feeling like the kids love me only for the food and internet I provide.

Being alone.. the majority of the time. Thank you to the few people that have braved the ‘rona scare to make sure I am getting my allotment of hugs, cookies, and time with your faces. You are my heart.

I live in a state that has decided to open this week. I have chosen the best use of my abilities is to continue wearing pants with elastic and t-shirts with holes on the collar. People are treating yesterday like a day that because the government said we were safe to go outside, we are safe. I’m going to wait it out for another week or so and see what happens to all the people that are licking doorknobs this week. If they are OK in a week or so, I might venture out.

People ask all the time how things are going. Here’s the honest answer…

I’m worried that the anxiety from being home will turn me into an agoraphobic.

I’m falling in deep like with someone over text. That alone concerns me, is it the quarantine that is making any attention, good attention? Or is this really it?

I’m trying a no sugar, no bread, no dairy diet. Today, I ate all three, several times… it’s going well.

I gave up Zebra Cakes. No one over 35 has the digestive power to conquer them.

I definitely chew too loudly as I am reminded daily.

I have begun to google everything that could fix even a minor inconvenience. Today I googled how much a sugar glider is. I’m not sure I can explain what minor inconvenience that will fix, but use your imaginations.

I find myself screaming at the television when the characters are being stupid. I think I am actually finally getting somewhere in my friendships with those nice people on Warehouse 13.

It has become glaringly obvious that I do NOT drink enough water.

ANYTHING can be delivered. Anything.

Matching socks are optional (who are we kidding… they’ve never been mandatory).

I am not good at zoom conference angles. Not good at all. I may never take a selfie again.

Donuts are a valid lunch. Three days in a row. As long as they are different flavors.

There are emotional roller coasters, but when you reach out to a friend on your low.. either they can help because they are not on a low.. or you can both be on a low together and cry. Either one is OK. Hanging in there, for myself, my employees, my friends and my family is the only real job I have.

I got this.

Today I am choosing to be grateful. Lots of time to think about everything. Don’t get me wrong, I think about everything all the time anyway, but these thoughts are different. Time is moving slower. Slower in such a way that my normal thought process that skips from idea to curiosity like a 4 year old on caffeine has changed into full thoughts, slow.. from beginning to end.

This morning I was looking through Facebook memories. Mostly because I like to self-torture. I realized this month is my yearly anniversary of being clean. I used to struggle with sobriety. As does everyone that has ever tried to get clean or sober. Now a year has passed faster than a blink. With the quarantine going on, I wondered how many addicts are hurting right now? How many people are being forced to face withdrawal alone? How many people are trying drugs as an escape, not realizing that none of us had that first high realizing we had just sealed ourselves into a label? No one starts using to become addicted. But that’s usually where it ends up. Today, my heart hurts for them. I am grateful I am not withdrawing, or trying to find a way to make money for drugs, and that another year went by easily.

I got a call a few hours ago. My daughter, crying. I immediately went into “mom” mode.. assuming the worst. Turns out she had a flat tire. The first in her driving career. I had to go “rescue” her. She had pulled into a parking lot on the side of the road, but beyond moving out of traffic, she didn’t know yet what to do. I got there and walked her through jacking the car up, removing the bolts, putting the spare on, and taking the jack out.. Then we watched at the tire slowly sink rim-to-ground. The spare is flat. I am grateful that 9 years ago my dad gave me a car emergency kit with a small hand-held air compressor in it and I have carried it, unused for 9 years in the back of every car I drive. I am also grateful that 20-something years ago, he taught me how to change a tire and check the air pressure. I have used that skill several dozen times since then. Today, I was able to pass on that skill to my daughter, so she too can feel like a bad-ass next time she gets a flat and a guy pulls over and she tells him she’s got it, but thanks.

Yesterday, we celebrated my youngest child’s 14th birthday. We went nowhere and he received no presents. But we did have dinner and cake together and talked about what we appreciated about him. I’m grateful that all of my kids see material items as less important than the time we spend together.

I’m grateful for my mom, who offers calm reassurance.. all the time. And who has also been sewing masks non-stop for people all over the country.

No cute/funny stories today.. except this lovely “cheat” I discovered today. I am boredom eating. I know I am, I am also eating my feelings.. makes for potential of weight gain (I say potential, but I know it’s happening) Today, I discovered when I put on a bra it made my stomach disappear. so, you aren’t chubby… you just need a better bra.

I think I’m more on top of it today than other days. I know trash is tomorrow because one of the kids came in and emptied all the bins in my room earlier. I will have to verify with the calendar on the fridge, but I think trash picks up Tuesdays. I realize my sense of security is false. I’m learning to live in denial. It’s nice.

I have learned a lot in the last few days. For example, I learned that when I chew gum I make small bubbles inside my mouth and pop them. Complete news to me. I discovered this when one of the people sitting next to me told me in their outside voice before they walked forcefully to their room. I’ve also learned that rock, paper, scissors will solve ALL the problems. If it doesn’t we do best two-out-of-three. I learned no one is too big for a fort.

So, today while I was hanging out in my fort, working, with netflix playing in the background I was absent-mindedly twirling my fingers. I think I am too close to mother earth now when I realized I was twirling my leg hairs. On the upside, I also discovered I do not in fact, (despite my best efforts) have cankles. And on top of them I got to remember how to shave again. Side note, new razors will scrape you to your soul if you aren’t careful.

I have learned that I have never been more grateful to delivery drivers in my life. I learned I go through a lot of PJs and socks for someone that doesn’t leave the house. Also, did you know when you don’t wear shoes for a long time that your foot widens? Yeah, me neither.

I have learned it’s way harder to ignore your bosses 9pm emails when you’ve lost track of time and are still in the same spot in your fort that you were at 9am, watching the same show you’ve been binging for the last 12 hours straight. I learned that when we talk loudly at dinner and give each other crap, it’s good for everyone to get some things out. I’ve also learned this time is stressful enough to take my most easy going kid and push him to his limits.

While you are learning about the people you are privileged to be on your own personal reality show with, remember this opportunity will probably never happen again. Take advantage of it. Oh.. and go outside at 8pm and howl.