I love you because you are strong enough

Today I began a new life, one with hope, and a promise of a future. Unfortunately, it also meant I’m leaving a lot behind. People that mean more to me than I ever thought possible, habits that I’ve acquired over years, routines that are second nature, everything I know, everything that’s comfortable. I’m terrified, excited and absolutely ready.

I think I’ve been ready for a long time, just haven’t known how to take that first step, so slowly, one by one, I’ve been removing people and things from my life through various means preparing for this moment. Some people I’ve intentionally made upset, so they won’t speak with me anymore. Some I’ve changed my phone number and “lost contact”.

Funny, I wrote the above on June 23, 2012. I thought at that moment that I would be changing everything, and I had every intention of doing so. It just goes to show you how easily you can fall backwards into things that may be loads of fun, but not good for you or your family at all. Here I am again, beginning at step one, again. I hope this will be the last time, I pray this will be the last time. I’m not going to say I know I’ll fail because that’s what I’m supposed to do statistically, because this time it’s not an option. I’ve grown sick of who I am trapped in this life, these pattern of choices. Because that’s all this is, a pattern of repeat choices that I continue to make. It’s no one else’s fault or influence, and it will be no one else’s success or drive that brings me through it on the other side. I would love to have a reason for changing, but the truth is, the only way I’ll really change is if I do it for me. I’m still terrified, but full of anticipation. I will succeed this time.

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