I love you because you talk behind my back

It’s been awhile, and I would love to say I was off having grand adventures, but really, I was laying in my bed every non-busy moment and binging TV like it was my new heroin. “Mild to Moderate Depression” I think is what they call it. I would rather refer to it as COVID burnout. The moments that used to bring joy are now filled with doubts of whether I am appropriately attired to attend an event, or appointment. A slight cough from a person next to me now prompts disgust that I’d never entertained for a stranger before (I’m working on that one). Through all of this, writing seemed like a chore. I try to bring happy, carefree, or hopeful shorts.. and none of those emotions have been in my toolbelt consistently for the last year or so.

I have been happy, but not in the overwhelming joy kind of way, for sure not in the laugh out loud kind of way. Though morbidity has become a more present thought… and strangely it’s something I can smile and laugh about. I know how that sounds. I apologize if it offends you. Some of the rest of everything I write probably will to.

I recently went to a funeral of a coworker that I have had the pleasure of working with for 7 years. It was a largely unexpected passing and hard on many people as was evident by the over-flowing funeral home during their celebration of life. The quiet whispers and stifled tears were all that filled the heaviness before, during and after the service. The person that was represented was so much more than the person I knew. But I knew her enough that I’m still able to hear her laugh when we were being ridiculous. I hope she knew what she meant to us.

Occasionally, I get to hear how others perceive me. I know we aren’t supposed to care… blah.. blah.. blah.. But I’m not saying I strive to be something that I’m not for the sake of someone else. I’m saying sometimes, people talk behind your back, good, bad, or indifferent, And rarely those impressions make it back to the person they are about. For me, I didn’t realize the impact I have made in certain situations until someone comes back and tells me that I helped them see things a different way, or heal, or have hope.

Tomorrow, I will be making extra time to give them the 3 minutes they want to talk about their cat, or the 45 they need to cry over a loved one, or the quiet eye contact that lets them know they aren’t alone. Because even it if doesn’t seem like anything big to me at the time, it could be something that changes someone’s entire world. To those that have told me, accidentally or on purpose what I’ve done for you, thank you. And if you have someone that does something for you, no matter how small, please let them know… they may not even realize they’re doing it, and you may change their world.

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