I love you because you are here now

I got on here just now, thinking that it’d been a long, long time since the last post. I realized,in the real world, it’s only been a month. In my world, it feels a lot longer than that. I have been avoiding posting for a few reasons, the main one being, I wasn’t sure how to handle certain people knowing what’s going on. But then I realized, no one really reads this right now, and those people don’t matter – they no longer have control over me. Just now, being in the present matters, with those people that matter. 11/12/12 – the day that changed everything. Life became less about me and more about someone… something else. Which is fine. I think I needed that reminder more than I knew, that life is so beautifully simplicated. Yes, I just made up a word. Simply complicated. Nothing has been simple with us lately. Days are running into night are running into days again. I forget more often than not what day of the week it is, or better even, what time of day it is. Breakfast time can run anywhere from 6am till 2 pm, and dinner from 2pm till 4am. Most of the time the blinds are drawn and the artificial light makes it easier for me to convince myself that it’s whatever time my screwed up internal clock is telling me it is. Life has become one doctors appointment after another with small breaks to go home in between. If I’m lucky, those small breaks are when I sleep, eat, and see my children. If I’m not lucky, I go through them like a good zombie puppet, saying and doing what I’m supposed to at the right times, feeling like a piece of thin glass bending in an unnatural way, beginning to crack. I don’t know what I’d do without my parents, they have assumed the parent roles for the kids, making sure life stays as normal as possible for them. As normal as it can be anyway. I never thought I would ever be in this position, this doesn’t happen to my family, definitely happens, just not to my family. I still wake up worst days and feel like I’m watching someone else’s life from the outside. I wonder when it’s going to feel real, or will it ever feel real? Her and I, I know most days we are holding hands and on the outside convincing each other things will be ok. But I wonder if she knows on the inside, I feel just as scared as she does? That Im convincing myself as much as I am her that things will be ok? I smile through it, tell her it’ll be ok this time, that it won’t hurt as much this time, that it’ll last not as long this time, knowing that every single word is a lie, but a lie she needs to hear to get through it. I feel guilty, often, for letting them hurt her, knowing its for the best (at least that’s what they tell me) and that without it, time we deserve, will be stolen. I feel closer to her than than ever. Funny thing is that she leans on me, and I get that, she has to.. I don’t mind. But does she feel me leaning right back on her? The rare moments I don’t think I can go one more minute, make it ok for her one more time, she grabs my hand and tells me it’ll be ok…. At that very moment for just a minute, things are ok… and we can laugh at the farting noises the bed makes forgetting everything… just for a moment.

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