I love you because you won’t go away

It’s been a year… a year since we were told to stay inside for a few weeks and this would all be over. A year since everyone seems to have lost their patience, happiness and sanity. A year since speed limits mattered and people knew that the lines on the road are to define actual lanes. A year since the great run on toilet paper. Then the vaccine came out and many places are starting to reopen fully. Today I got my second shot. I will be journaling it for you.

9:08 am we leave the house to drive over an hour north because was NOWHERE nearby. I think I can still feel where they gave me the last shot in my right …er… left arm

10:20 am we get there. It’s a clinic in the middle of nowhere and it doesn’t appear busy. We chill in the parking lot like stalkers watching the occasional person leave.

10:45 am We are tired of waiting. Planning to walk in and see if we can get in earlier than the scheduled 11:10 appointment. I’m feeling dizzy. I think it’s the first vaccine letting it’s twin know we are near

11:00 am All signed in and waiting for someone to stab me. Questioning several life decisions… including not getting a helicopter when I had the chance.

11:03 am She’s swabbing the area… I am trying to relax but OMG SHE HIT ME IN THE MUSCLE AND IS PUSHING THE VACCINE INTO MY SOUL

11:04 am she tells me to suck it up and is now swabbing the OPEN WOUND with another alcohol swab… I ask her who hurt her. She slaps it to see if it will bleed. It does not. She hands me my card and a kitchen timer. Timer is set to 15 minutes to see if I die before the statute of limitation is up on the vaccine.

11:06 am I’m pretty sure when she was trying to stab for bones she hit something because I swear I can taste the vaccine. I want to ask them if it’s just going to end up in the back of my throat, why couldn’t they just have given me a shooter. I don’t. They are busy with other people

11:11 am I have to pee. and fart. not sure if those are real feelings or if the effects of the vaccine are starting to hit.

11:16 am I pee. Not sure I can trust the fart, so I don’t.

11:19 am I haven’t died. I don’t think. Maybe I entered a virtual world and this is all a simulation.

11:22 am my arm hurts. I rub it, it helps.

11:38 am my other arm hurts, I think it’s having sympathy pains. Or I’m dying

11:58 am ONLY my other arm hurts now. I’m whiny. the person I’m with tells me to suck it up. ZERO sympathy

11:59 am I get offered narcotics for the pain. I feel like I should say no since it was from my mother… is this a test? Are we in reality?

12:22 pm I taste butter. the wrong arm hurts. My collar bone hurts… probably the un-trustable fart bubble making it’s way upwards as I refuse to let it go.

12:55 pm I see smells. We are still in the car and I am trying to not think about what will happen if I relax my butt cheeks. the wrong arm still hurts

1:10 pm the wrong arm hurts and I think my face is melting

1:35 pm I am no longer concerned about my arm hurting because my lips feel funny and my face feels melty. Still not trusting the fart

2:10 pm I am so grateful I did not trust the fart or I would have had to clean the car. Either the vaccine caused some things to move or it was the burger king I had for breakfast. I’m blaming the vaccine. Face still feels melty

2:26 pm face feels melty and my eyeballs are sticky.

2:41 pm eyeballs are not sticky if I do not close them

2:56 pm I’m eating my 4th meal of the day. I heard something about carbo-loading for the vaccine, right? Face is melty and I am checking in the mirror to make sure I am not having a stroke. Now my right thigh hurts

3:30 pm I am going to take a nap, my eyes are sticky and they don’t want to stay open anymore

5:45 pm I am woken up by a text from a kid asking about dinner… don’t they know I’m trying to not grow a third arm in here???

6:05 pm I eat again… because you know.. feed a vaccine starve a cold or something like that

6:07 pm I am working out for a minute, not because I’ve eaten enough for 3 people today, but because the vaccine needs to move through my body (I think I read that somewhere)

6:08pm I threw up. Also, still cannot trust a fart.

6:15 pm I don’t think I’m going to die. Actually, after I took out my contacts, my eyes are a lot less sticky. Drinking a ton of water… the cotton mouth is crazy. Small bruise forming on my arm where she skewered me. I will keep updating. There are a little residue smells coming through from the color yellow, I have requested everyone not wear anything of that color.

Some of this is loosely based on what really happened with me trying to use humor in a very depressing world void of many people who have forgotten to laugh. Get the vaccine if you feel it’s for you. Don’t if you don’t. The nurses were very sweet and accommodating to my dramatics. I will keep updating today, but I don’t think I am having a stroke.. though my face does feel weird. I really have eaten way more than I should have today. And no, I still cannot trust a fart.

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