Quarantine Day After Trash Day

The hair dying has begun. One of my daughters has dyed her hair a color I can only equate to as the squished remains of a box elder bug. Which may sound gross, but is actually a brilliant orange/red. She can pull it off.. I hope it lasts the rest of quarantine.

I have become more productive at work, since all I have to do is roll over and grab the computer. I’m putting in 17 hour days, my boss is really impressed. I may come out of this as a hunchback.

Taco Bell.. needs to close their drive thru, I have discovered that burritos are my comfort food. I buy 10 at a time and eat them for breakfasts. I don’t think it’s healthy, but I lie and tell myself the protein is good for me.

I have given up completely on trying to figure out what day of the week it is. Trash gets picked up Tuesday’s. I know it’s time to put my trash out when I hear him rounding the corner. On the upside, the frantic rush to take the can to the curb is the best exercise I get all week.

I got to be on a 47 hour conference call today. I couldn’t tell you what it was about, but I can tell you that my appropriate work behavior and disappeared along with my pants.

Thankfully the only person that has requested a video chat so far has been family.. and they’ve seen me raw before. As soon as work does, I will have to remember where I threw my bra 2 months ago.

I volunteered to drive a friend to AZ today for a family emergency. It was a selfish offer. I don’t remember what driving feels like or what the sky looks like, or the sun.

I’ve stopped shaving. Why bother. On the upside, I feel like I am learning to be one with Mother Nature, you know.. through several layers of concrete and drywall. Very bohemian.

Amazon is still out of toilet paper, but you can buy a whole case of popcorners with 2 day delivery on Prime. At least we won’t starve.

Currently contemplating what I would look like with one of those lines cut out of my eyebrows. I hope you all had a marvelous day.

Posted in 2020 | Leave a comment

Quarantine day 16.. I think..

I missed yesterday.. not even sure yesterday really happened. I tried my pants on yesterday and am not pleased that they are shrinking due to non-usage. We had a family dinner last night and it was quiet. Like really quiet. I think we are all a little over each other. This morning the internet decided there could only be 3 of us on at a time. We are about to start a thunder dome in the backyard to determine who gets priority.

I know you are not supposed to have a favorite child.. but it’s becoming more apparent as the days go by, which one is mine .(just kidding, I love all of them the same).

We are officially on state mandated lockdown. They have posted police at intersections. As well as requested all criminal activity cease until the quarantine has lifted.

I took 4 showers yesterday and saved a roll of toilet paper, not looking forward to the water bill.

I have never been more thankful for internet access, Netflix, and Prime. I can’t imagine having to fill all this time with actual conversation. Just kidding, we talked ourselves out of words about 10 ago. Now we are just grunting at each other in passing. I find myself reminding everyone to shower.. then realize I need to as well. I made a calendar reminder. Tomorrow I might make one for eating regularly.

This is temporary has become my mantra.. but for the first time in 20 years, the dark circles are gone from under my eyes. We are grateful for food, water, and internet today. Laughing is a priority. More tomorrow.

Posted in 2020 | Leave a comment

I love you because you didn’t cough on me…

Day 9 of voluntary quarantine. I should have been writing before this, but to be honest.. it wasn’t as funny till now. Here’s some of the adjustments.

I have been sending memes back and forth with one of my friends, we have almost made it through all memes post 1996.. not sure what happens when we run out. On that note, I have begun to answer work emails with memes instead of sentences. No one has said anything yet. Most of them are about the rampant lack of toilet paper.

I have not worn pants in 9 days. I have realized that I might wear pjs forever.

Day 1-6 I ate oatmeal (not really…a zebra cake and Dr Pepper) for breakfast. Lunch was a salad ( just kidding was totally Hawaiian rolls) dinner was well balanced and thought out (14 Hershey kisses and a bag of popcorn). I realized on day 7 that pj pants may be my only option if I continued and also I haven’t drank any water at all in almost a week. So now I’m eating a little healthier.

When I go to the grocery store because we are completed out of a necessity I feel high. Possibly because I haven’t breathed outside air in days.. feels like months. While being high on outside air, I think I make people at the store uncomfortable.. they usually give me a wide berth. Could be the pj pants, or the loudly talking about how I’ve been out of toilet paper for 4 months and I’ve resorted to using the baby socks I hadn’t given away yet.

The kid started online school today. They have been homeschooled, but thankful to my wonderful parents, I worked and they took the bulk of the responsibility. I don’t think I give them enough credit. Ever. Today my kids got to experience conference video chat for the first time, as I watched and laughed.. things do not change in that regard from high school to adulthood apparently. There is still that one dude that doesn’t realize he can mute his microphone instead of letting the whole world hear either fart noises or them having a conversation with someone else in the room about what they want on their pizza.

I have begun to look at the back of the cupboard to get creative with the meal planning. Do you think canned chicken, sautéed in peanut butter and baby carrots. With an old rice-o-roni instant pack will go well? You’re right.. I should throw some 4 year old aged kraft mac n cheese in as well.

We had a family discussion over dinner last night about what you can and can’t cook in a old school popcorn maker (thanks dad) and discussed the best ways to catch, squirrels and rabbits in the back yard.

Im not to the point of counting squares of TP yet, but we may get there. In light of homeschooling, I have assigned an additional project to the kids to research alternatives. Best one yet is just to rub our butts on the ground outside like the dog.

I’ve been justifying my grub hub and doordash purchases as “supporting local restaurants” since everyone is curbside or delivery only. Really, it’s because the kids don’t want to try unicorn hair (ramen and fruit loops, boiled).

I am resisting the urge to text exes. It’s getting stronger and I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. If I text you, understand it’s purely from a boredom stand point, it will lead to nothing.

I like watching people walk around incorrectly wearing dust masks. I’m thinking of starting a FB group kind of like spot the wookie

I am doing welfare checks on my friends. Please understand, most of the time, I’m just making sure you’re still breathing. Don’t feel like we need to share what’s going on in each other’s lives at the moment. Most of the things happening in my house, trust me, you probably aren’t ready to hear, unless you have alternate TP ideas, I which case, we can talk for hours.

Every time I get a tickle in my throat I have a minor panic.. then I remember, I ate dairy, and I’m allergic to dairy. I figure the risk/reward is worth it right now, since 1. I’m 4 feet from the bathroom 2. I’m not out in public and 3. I’m wearing elastic pants.

I read somewhere that if you can take a deep breath and hold it for 10 seconds without hacking and coughing that you’re lungs are ok so far. Whether that’s true or not, sometimes it’s just good to take a deep breath and remember this is all temporary. Stay safe, don’t lick doorknobs or anything else for that matter. And I’ll come back for an update tomorrow.

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I love you because it’s not easy…

I used to think when the kids were little that the days would never end and sometimes, weeks lasted a lifetime. I thought when they were little that was the toughest it would be. The exhaustion, never ending nights, temper tantrums, refusal to eat.. for days at a time. All while I focused on a career and college. Some days I didn’t think I would survive. Or maybe I thought they wouldn’t survive.

But we did. One day at a a time.

Those days turned into weeks, and I blinked. They turned into years.

That little baby that used to be scared of the dark – the ones that would make me flush the monster down the toilet every night, doesn’t even fit in my lap anymore.

The fear of them sucking on a windex bottle is replaced with the fear of them getting in an accident on the way home from a party. Or not coming home at all.

The fighting to get them to eat disappeared and now I struggle to keep the fridge stocked. Who knew growing required so much food…

We no longer flush monsters, but I have held hands while we took a pregnancy test or two.

I have had more sex education conversations than I ever thought possible and can know work the words penis and vagina into a normal sentence. And no one gets embarrassed.

Instead of arguing at the dinner table about eating green beans, we now discuss their position on abortion, politics, religion and psychology.

I’m no longer kissing boo-boos, but instead I’m covered in boogers and tears while I hold a broken heart, wishing I could make it go away. But I can’t.

Those younger years, they weren’t the hard ones.

Knowing that you have spent years teaching, training, raising your kids, only to realize that eventually you have to let them try to fly on their own is the most fantastic, overwhelming thing I’ve ever experienced. Sometimes I think I want to trade it for middle of the night potty trips and flushing monsters again. But then things like tonight happen.

This was triggered by a dinner conversation with some of the kids. We discussed how when you go out in the world there will be a lot of people that will try to push your buttons, buttons you didn’t even know you had. The only thing you can control is how you react. They looked at me and said “that’s because I’m not a victim”. I’m not quite ready to let them go, but I feel like when the time comes, they’ll all be ok.

This is terrifying.

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I love you because you weren’t my happily ever after…

Today used to be a day for the last several years I would dread. Because today marks not only the independence of our country, but also a marriage I used to ultimately want to forget. The beginning was great, even before the beginning… I thought he was my soul mate. We had sparks like I’d never experienced before.

Have you ever met someone though, and it’s just not healthy for them to be around you and you would do anything to make them happy, so it wasn’t healthy for you either? That was this. The pull I had to this person was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It led us down a path filled with addiction and abuse. Ultimately leading to a divorce and harsh feelings from both sides.

I used to regret. That one word I try not to use. I regretted the choices we both made, the ones I let happen, and eventually the moment I fell for him.

Without him though, there would be no me. The years we spent together, playing our demented games. Circling each other’s weaknesses like vultures. Though painful, to a degree I can’t even begin to explain, I learned. I learned how addicts work. I learned how I worked. I learned how strong I really am. I learned that love isn’t selfish and needy. I learned I don’t have to give someone what they want just to be loved. I came out on the other side, sober, clear-headed and more of a fighter than I ever thought possible.

Instead of dreading today, because it brings memories of an electrically charged relationship I had been waiting for for a long time and the possibility of “happily ever after” that never quite made it, I choose to remember that the reason I survived was because you taught me to. You taught me that the most painful moment in my life didn’t need to be the end. You taught me that even though there was no happily ever after with you, it can still happen. You taught me to embrace the pain, like never before.

Wherever you are, I hope you have the best 4th ever, surrounded by friends and family that love you. And know that I will probably always have a place in my heart for some of what we shared, and all of what you taught me.

Posted in 2018, Life, Love | Leave a comment

I love you because I can see you…

Hey you… yeah, you.

I see you. I see how hard it is. I see you struggle. I see the deep sadness you try to hide, the hopelessness you feel.

I wish you saw yourself the way I do.

You are beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside.

I see the choices you make, for you, for your family. Scary, unsure choices.

I see your sacrifices.

I see your selflessness, whether you see it or not.

I see your worth. You undervalue yourself so much, my heart aches for you.

I see how smart and capable you are.

I know this scary, I know it’s hard, but you got this. You were made for this. Don’t let your doubt cloud that.

You are so much more than you can see right now. Don’t give up, I see you.

Posted in 2018 | Leave a comment

You leaving was the best thing you ever did for me…

You left. It hurt, but the days keep coming and eventually the sharp pain turned into a dull ache. It’s no longer unbearable, not it a reminder that it was a good thing we had, but an even better thing when it was over.

You made me believe, while you were here, that I needed you. That I couldn’t survive without you. You leaving taught me that I was strong enough to do anything on my own.

When you left, you told me the kids were not your problem, and as it turns out, you were excellent at proving that. It gave me a perspective on being the only adult in their lives more than I think a two-parent household would have. Do they take it for granted that the other parent will always be there to pick up the slack when one is having an off day? Or when they want to sleep in, that the other will get up because it’s their turn. I have the honor of watching them, every single day, every moment. Thank you for that. Your absence allowed me to not have to share, and for that I am truly grateful.

When you left, you told me no one would want me, I was tired and worn out. For awhile, I believed it. Until I stopped seeing myself through your eyes and started seeing myself through love. You gave me the opportunity to build myself up from nothing, because that’s what I was to you. And when you are nothing, the only thing to do is become something. You gave me the courage to fight for a better me, and win. Thank you.

When you left, you told me I was the worst decision you ever made. Because of this, I easily discern now when I’m a choice, and when I’m not. You stopped making me your choice, long before you actually left. I had to reconcile that, and no longer accept second place. Thank you for showing me, for so long, what that felt like, without it I wouldn’t know when to walk away. Thank you.

When you left you broke their hearts. They are having to learn how to get over heartbreak at a much younger age than I ever did. But they are mine, and resilience runs in their blood. They are wave-makers, critical thinkers, and can see through to someone’s intentions in the first three minutes. You created part of that, when you left. Thank you.

You broke me, all of you. Into pieces, that every time, I’ve had to put mine back together, the whole is becoming more and more unbreakable. You showed me there are better options. You taught them how not to be. I never would have known, until you left. Thank you.

Posted in 2018, Life, Loss, Love | Leave a comment

I love you because you’re still sticking around…

2017… much like 2016, was full of surprises, adventures and some learning experiences.
I was sure I had met the man I was supposed to be with. Less than 2 months into 2017, he was gone. It taught me to open my eyes a little better.
I remained cancer free for 11 months.
I watched all of my kids grow and mature, some 180 degrees beyond what they were a year prior.
I made new life-long friends and said goodbye to a few others.
I lost several very close relatives and am still reminded every day how short life is.
I was given an opportunity for a career unlike any I have had before.
And I went to India. That trip, several months later, still has me somewhat speechless, unable to fully process the things I saw and did.

I see all the talk about how bad this year was.. which sounds oddly familiar to what it sounded like at the end of 2016. This year (as did 2016) was full of opportunities to grow, learn and make the choice not to stay down. I choose to not live in fear. I choose to stop doubting who I am and what I am capable of. I choose to wade through the crap news every day and see the reality instead of whatever the media is pushing. I choose to step away from my phone, social media and television and work on the personal face-to-face relationships that I was raised on. I choose to begin surprising others again, in ways they need. I choose to look at 2017 as a challenge that I conquered, just like 2016.

Have a safe, joy-filled New Year.

Posted in 2017, Life | Leave a comment

I love you because you’re old…

As I get older I begin to realize… well… that I’m getting older. I also am figuring out things that I wish I knew when I was younger and could have told myself 20 years ago…

The person you see in the mirror isn’t someone you will recognize some days… that’s just weird, but also kind of cool… you get to change bodies and faces every 10 years or so.
Sleep has again, become the most important thing.
That you have far underestimated my worth in certain areas, but that it’s not too late to change that.
That it’s ok to just now know what you want to be when you grow up and you’re never too old to start a career.
Dry skin gets so much worse.
No one cries pretty, unless you’re faking it, in which case, you’re not old enough for the rest of the list to make sense to you yet.
It is completely possible to be lonely in a house full of people.
No matter how much time you have with your mom, it’s never going to be enough.
That you am more than just a vagina, and you don’t have to resort to just that for attention.
That people will make time for the things they want to, if you keep getting blown off, you’re not one of those things, move on.
Someone that tells you they’ve been too busy to call, for weeks, or respond to messages… isn’t interested, move on.
Someone that calls only to have sex, isn’t interested in you, just an easy conquest, move on.
Matching socks are overrated
Your children will watch every single thing you do, you are shaping them to be exactly like you, so carefully choose your actions.
Be the type of woman you want your sons to marry and the type of woman you wants your daughters to be like, because they will
Take risks and adventures, don’t wait… why would you? Things start falling apart, get more hectic and time moves faster when you get older… enjoy it while you’re young enough to.
The more you know about yourself, the more you will feel alone. But it’s a good alone, because you’re finally ok with just you.
It’s ok to have gray hair, you’ve earned it.
Some of the best things in life include watching your kids grow and figure it out.
It’s ok not to settle, for anything, the best will happen if you just wait for it.
You only need one good friend.
Gravity is real… and unforgiving.
Be silly, as often as possible.. it will create a laugh inside you that pops out at the best… and worst times.
Listen when people tell you your beautiful, they’re being genuine.
Sometimes you choose to do things that you know are painful, and then you ugly cry alone, because you knew better, but you still did it.
Being an adult is something no one ever reaches expert level at, and that’s ok.
Love yourself, exactly for the person you are becoming and the person you were… they’re both incredible people that deserve more than you tend to give them.

Posted in 2017, Life | Leave a comment

I love you just because you let me…

I had just exited an abusive relationship. One that I would have panic attacks while diving on the highway sometimes when I was left with nothing but my thoughts, and memories. Men were the enemy, I thought I would never love another man again.

I was pregnant at the time, determined to try to bring that baby into the world and despite its gender, try to love it, though it was the product of a time in my life I would have rather forgotten.

I couldn’t even name him, but I didn’t know how much I needed him.

Then he was born, perfect, in every way… I just didn’t know it yet.

I couldn’t hold him, I couldn’t love him the way he needed me to. Sometimes I couldn’t even look at him. He reminded me of everything that hurt.

Slowly, he won my heart, and the hearts of everyone around him. His fat cheeks, infectious laugh and nickname “bubba”, were everything I didn’t know I was missing. He grew, and I grew with him… this child, who until the age of 4 was pretty non-verbal, then decided one day he was tired of being silent, continues to amaze. He carefully chooses every word that comes out of his mouth, making the room fall silent when he talks, because if he is taking, then it’s important.

He is my heart. He holds pain, with strength I admire and courage I crave. His compassion surpasses anything I’ve ever experienced. His sense of humor is witty, rich, and inspiring. He is my peacemaker, my rock.

I’m watching you grow into a man, and know who you are, far earlier than I did. You have an incredible awareness of you and those around you. I watch you try to improve yourself in ways some adults have yet to master. You have become my joy, peace, and advisor.

I wouldn’t trade you for anything bubba, happy birthday.

Posted in 2017, Love | Leave a comment