I Love You Just Because…

Recently, I heard from someone from my past life. I say past life, because the person I was, the things I did and the mistakes I made, feel like a different lifetime ago. I had moved on, with every part of my being… or so I thought. The conversation was not pleasant, nor particularly wanted. They hadn’t changed. You still didn’t hear anything I said, only listened to respond.. I could hear the hatred that your family holds onto spewing from the angry words that weren’t completely yours. It left me feeling thrown-up on, damaged again… like I was so long ago.. for about 10 minutes, when I realized, you only have the limited power over me that I used to give you, and I took it back.

Then today, when I happened to stumble upon the most serendipitous happenstance I could not have created on my own. A gentle reminder there was still pain, anger and a little resentment left in a box that I had compartmentalized years ago. Forgive.. but don’t forget. I thought I had done that. So I start the process again, of forgiving. Forgiving that you were half the problem. I was the other half. Forgiving the blatant pain you caused not only me, but our entire family, multiple times. Forgiving myself for the part I played in letting it continue far beyond what it should have. Forgiving the frequent indiscretions when I chose to look the other way. Forgiving the lies you loved to spout more often than not. Forgiving myself for walking away.. Realizing that I can walk away.

I am happy, because I have let go, moved on, and have the world at my feet.

I find humor in how small the world likes to remind me it is, every single day. And I am curious as to how this new development will play out. But I can tell you, it does not define me. You, no longer define me. I have discovered who I am and who I will become. So, thank you for finding the one weak spot I had left and allowing me to mend it the right way, instead of letting it sit on a shelf. I genuinely hope the best life for you.

I woke up this morning with the knowledge that I have no obligations until later tonight… these days are becoming rare. My intention today was to take it easy and just sort of lay in bed all day. The problem is when I woke up I felt restless. I’ve felt this for months. Today I realized the underlying reason is that I feel like I running out of time. That I’m being pulled to something greater or bigger than me… and laying in bed isn’t going to help me get there. This feeling that words can’t wholly describe, feels unsettled, restless, relentless. I’m exhausted, most of the time. Energy comes with a side of coffee only. The headaches are constant.. sometimes waking me up in the middle of the night. But under it all, there is this part of me that screams “get up, you still have places to go, things to do, changes to inspire”. I’ve mentioned before I feel like I’m living on borrowed time. (Aren’t we all?) Lately, the feeling is intensifying… is this telling me to hurry up and move, before it’s too late? If I’m lucky enough to have 50 years left, will it get worse every day? Does it matter how much time I have left on how driven I should be? Shouldn’t I be as driven no matter if I have one year or 50? Shouldn’t I want to accomplish just as much? Or if I only have a short time left, should I want to push harder because the amount I could do in 50 years, now I need to shove into one? Or maybe we should all be living like we only have a year left, and try to shove 50 years of experiences into that one year… because who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, or in a year from now. So today, instead of staying in bed… like my body would love me to. I’m going to go see something that makes me silent in wonder, or listen to someone’s story that gives me reflection on my own, or sit quietly with someone that just needs a friend, or just be outside and breathe freely whatever experience today brings.

I have spent an extraordinarily large amount of time over the last few years thinking about death. What it feels like, what it looks like, will it hurt? I’ve wondered what I would regret, if anything? Would there be bridges to mend, would I be doing it for them or for me? Am I comfortable with the relationships I have and the levels they sit at, or are there words, unspoken, taken for granted?

Do you know I love you?
Do you know you changed me?
Do you know that there were moments I felt completely alone and you reached out, reminding me to not wallow in self pity?
Do you know that you do little things that make a difference?
Do you know that I’ve known you my entire life, and in the last year have gotten to know you more than all the years before combined?
Do you know that the small amount of time I have had with you, feels like a lifetime, but still isn’t enough?
Do you know I’m a different person?
Did I affect you the way you affected me, or at all?
Do you know that the only thing I fear from death now is my kids still need me?
Do you know that I don’t take one conversation for granted anymore?
Do you know that I am getting better at picking up the phone when you’re on my mind, because what if this is the last time?
Do you know I have no regrets, or shame any longer for the life I’ve led, because you make me feel invincible?
Do you know that forgiving myself took the longest, and that now I can face forward and enjoy the time I have, instead of worrying about the time I had?
Do you know that small moments mean everything, even if it’s just to laugh about something stupid?
Do you know that I don’t do anything anymore that I consider a waste of time?
Do you know I don’t waste one second?
Do you know that I no longer fear being obsolete because I know I am as impacted in your brain or heart as you have been on mine?
Do you know that I wake up every day with a fresh view on the world and live today like it might be the last?
I feel like many times in my life it was almost my time, and yet, tomorrow continues to come. I am no longer afraid, no longer living with any expectations of how long I have left. Only looking forward to whatever adventure is next. Because when I die, I want people to be happy, not because I’m gone, but because I truly lived.

Day 5
I have been abused… mentally, physically and emotionally. It usually starts slow and you don’t realize it, becoming conditioned to it, while it gradually gets worse and worse, tearing you completely apart. Eventually it’s “normal”… until someone else points it out. I realized the other day when one of my kids was in a situation where she had to physically push someone off of her several times, that somewhere in her social circle, she had began to be conditioned. She told me about the incident and I freaked out. She kept telling me that it was ok, “nothing really happened” that she “was safe”. The fact that she had to say no, several times, terrifies me and shouldn’t have even occurred. Then I wondered, how much of her tolerance came from watching me? How many times did they her or see me being abused, the aftermath of me crying or cowering in my room, and me assuring them.. that I was ok. The note I left today was “you deserve respect”. Demand it for yourself, give it freely until it becomes unearned. Respect for your body, your mind, your future, your surroundings and your things. Respect for your thoughts and what you let others pour into you and your self-esteem. And when someone makes you feel like less of a person, or that you “owe” them… remind yourself, you are unapologetically you, and if they can’t or won’t respect that, they have no place in your future.

Day 4

Be you, unapologetically and unwaveringly. The older I get, the more I realize, I’m the first person I need to be ok with me. Too often as teenagers and young adults, we get caught up in who others want or need us to be, and often this puts off getting to know yourself. It took me until my 30’s to find myself completely. The freedom it offers is unparalleled.

I told the kids this morning to be who they are, because that person is perfect. To not apologize for their own thoughts and feelings. To not squash parts of who they are because someone doesn’t like it, or can’t handle it. Teaching your kid to love themselves, is only possible when you set an example, by doing the same.

Today, and everyday… be you. Completely and freely. Unapologetically and unwaveringly. The people that will help you grow, will love you for you. Everyone else just doesn’t matter. You are far to incredible and have too much to offer to sit by and lose yourself by holding back.

Life has this funny way of working itself out. I think I’m supposed to go in one direction and then something happens that takes me in another… if nothing else, I’m learning to embrace change, because change is inevitable. I’ve been writing to my kids every day on our message board, reminding them of things that possibly I’m trying to remember myself. So, I figured I’d share them, maybe more for me, than you.

Day 1- find your happy. No one will give it to you, no one owes it to you. When you find your happy, protect it with everything you have. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in life and others’ happiness that we forget that it’s not ours. I was no created to make someone else happy, as no me was created to make me happy. I enjoy my job, and I’m happy when I’m there, but it’s not what makes me happy. My joy is a choice, and the more you make that choice, the more unshakeable it is.

Day 2- find something to do today that’s silly and makes you giggle. There’s enough time to be serious when you grow up… then everyone forgets how to be silly. Practice it when you are young so you have the best ‘silly skill’ you can by the time the world wants you to grow up. Be goofy, giggle, be random. My favorite people are the ones that the unexpected happens, and they can laugh at themselves… those are the ones that have mastered the silly.

Day 3- today- do something for someone else that helps them. Not something you normally do, but something outside of your normal. Make someone’s day brighter, and if you can do it and they don’t know it was you… bonus. Something about secretly blessing someone else, even in ways you think are small, ripple like water. One of my favorites is to pay for someone in a drive through behind me. Or leave notes for people in hidden places… may take them weeks to find.

This life we get is so short, every day does count… and change is inevitable.