I love you because you won’t leave me alone…

I woke up this morning with the knowledge that I have no obligations until later tonight… these days are becoming rare. My intention today was to take it easy and just sort of lay in bed all day. The problem is when I woke up I felt restless. I’ve felt this for months. Today I realized the underlying reason is that I feel like I running out of time. That I’m being pulled to something greater or bigger than me… and laying in bed isn’t going to help me get there. This feeling that words can’t wholly describe, feels unsettled, restless, relentless. I’m exhausted, most of the time. Energy comes with a side of coffee only. The headaches are constant.. sometimes waking me up in the middle of the night. But under it all, there is this part of me that screams “get up, you still have places to go, things to do, changes to inspire”. I’ve mentioned before I feel like I’m living on borrowed time. (Aren’t we all?) Lately, the feeling is intensifying… is this telling me to hurry up and move, before it’s too late? If I’m lucky enough to have 50 years left, will it get worse every day? Does it matter how much time I have left on how driven I should be? Shouldn’t I be as driven no matter if I have one year or 50? Shouldn’t I want to accomplish just as much? Or if I only have a short time left, should I want to push harder because the amount I could do in 50 years, now I need to shove into one? Or maybe we should all be living like we only have a year left, and try to shove 50 years of experiences into that one year… because who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, or in a year from now. So today, instead of staying in bed… like my body would love me to. I’m going to go see something that makes me silent in wonder, or listen to someone’s story that gives me reflection on my own, or sit quietly with someone that just needs a friend, or just be outside and breathe freely whatever experience today brings.

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