I never thought would be in a position where finding things to be grateful for would be like a seek-&-find. I don’t know if the events over the last 6-9 months have pushed me beyond where I’ve been before, or if it was because I have to watch my child in pain. I was doing some self-reflecting and found a very ungrateful, almost bitter person inside. One filled with the “why me, why us?” attitude. I had someone joke the other day and tell me maybe all this is happening because of something I had done to piss off karma, and for a split second I actually entertained that idea. Where did my attitude go that everything happens for the greater good, and things all work out in the end? I’m angry, hurt, and resentful. I have struggled to find something that makes me happy in a long time. My identity has been wrapped up in recent events so much that it is no longer recognizable as even ME anymore. Things have slipped so far down the rabbit hole that I, subconsciously, had given up on ever having peace and joy again. And without realizing it, I had managed to give up, completely. Even the small victories don’t matter anymore. Every day activities became a drag and take so much energy to just survive them.
I know I didn’t do anything to karma or anyone else for the events that have unfolded. But I do know it’s my choice on how I will handle them. I can honestly say this has been the hardest year of my life. And I know there are several other people close to me that would agree for themselves as well. Sometimes things get tough, for no other reason because they just do. We didn’t do anything to deserve it, never have. But I can make the choice to move above it, find things every day I am incredibly grateful for and focus on those. Like the ability to spend yesterday with one of my children, celebrating his birthday. Watching the wonder and excitement that is all too soon stamped out by reality. Or that every single day someone wants to snuggle with me. Or that I get to watch my children grow up, together… Or at all. It may take awhile, and practice, since I’ve been out of it for awhile. But I am learning to live now and see everything I have instead of everything I’ve lost.