I have had a full life. I thought about what I wanted to do in life, what I wanted to accomplish and the answer is always the same. At least the broad picture answer. I want to make a difference. I want to matter, to leave a positive impact. I want to have someone look back and say I changed them, helped them make better decisions, saved them from some sort of pain they were headed toward, or helped them get through some struggle. Along the way though there has been several people, and I’m sure there will be more, that will make this kind of difference in my life.
One in particular has made the biggest impact. No matter what the situation or how lost I feel or how unvalidated I think my feelings are this person is always there cheering me on, reminding me I matter. They tell me that things will be ok. They have always been there, unwavering and unconditionally.
Our relationship didn’t always used to be like this. We weren’t anywhere near this close to each other. While the love has always been there, the ‘like’ sometimes not so much. In the last few years, I have had the realization that the wisdom this person carries far exceeds almost anyone I have ever known. When they give advice, not only is it good advice, but I have the security knowing it is always with my best interest in mind. They live as an example and I can use their life as a reference guide when I come to a decision I am unsure of.
This person has made my unglamorous and difficult (because of my own decisions) life seem like something I should be proud of, instead of shameful as I do often. While I used to feel on a lesser level than them, in the last few years, they have made an effort to strengthen our friendship instead of just our relationship. We’ve begun to make memories that will be the favorites I carry long into my older years. There’s been moments, especially through the last few years, I know the only reason I’m alive is because of their concern for my wellbeing.
They have forgiven me over and over for not only blatantly disregarding their warnings of the pending doom I insisted on running towards, but also for the pain I directly caused them. Caught up in my own selfish, self-serving behavior, causing them to feel rejection and hurt. There they are consistently ready to show me that they possess patience and forgiveness beyond my understanding.
While I’m sure they are tired of picking up my broken, drunk, worn out behind off the dirty bathroom floor time and time again, they never let on. They are my safe place. They make me want to do better, be better. Not just for them, but for my children and myself. They don’t judge, ever… Which is something that almost everyone else in my life has done over the last few years. I finally can relax and be me, mistakes and all. But when I do mess up, and I tell them, instead of pushing me away, usually I get pulled in closer. It still surprises me. I want to grow up to be just like them. They have had such an amazing impact on who I am now, and who I am becoming. I want to please them, make them proud… They have done so much for me, that when I say thank you, it feels like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a marble… It’s just not enough.
So, this is to you, my hero, my example. I love you for who you are and who you’ve become. I love you because you show me that it is possible to move on, to pick up the pieces of my life one more time and put them back together, but this time, instead of trying to glue them back the way they were, try a different perspective and create something even more beautiful than the original. I am who I am because of how you love me and show me how to love others. You make a profound difference in my life. I hope I can inspire someone equally as awesomely as you do me. You encourage me to step outside my comfort zone and explore. You are my biggest (and sometimes only) cheerleader.
I love you mom.
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