I do not fear death. I fear leaving behind those that I care for and love and those that love me. There is so much to do and so little time that I have had to change my thought processes. So, I have been, for some time now, trying to live every day like it could be my last… Or the last for those I love. For years this mentality has become less of a passing thought and more of a permanent post in the back of my mind. It is reshaping the core of who I am.
I have always been quick to forgive, or so I thought. I would try to make amends with everyone as soon as possible. What I didn’t realize was that sometimes, others don’t want to make amends… Then it became my burden. Trying to make things right with someone isn’t bad, but it isn’t forgiveness. That is a one person activity. My thought process changed… I was no longer chasing people down where animosity was and instead I would take a deep breath… Realize that whatever transpired happened to them as well. And instead of waiting for an apology, that even if or when it did occur, most likely was never going to be the one my emotional self was longing for, and I begin to let it go…. Truly forgiving them. I’m not sure when the mentality changed with me from ‘make them not mad at me anymore’ to ‘if they died tomorrow, would I regret holding this pain’. I know I may never see them again, but my end free of the weight of whatever I was holding… And that’s the only thing that matters.
I used to worry all the time. I would focus on everything that could go wrong.. Always. And it did. I was unknowingly planning out every catastrophe in my mind. The ‘what-ifs’ would always become a reality… Chaos was the norm. So much so, that when the good moments happened they were so covered in the worry, I would subconsciously sabotage them. Someone once told me that if I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all. It wasn’t bad luck, it was me, creating the world around me to my deepest fears. I still worry sometimes… But no longer about the future, but instead about the right-now.. And only sometimes. Bad things still happen, but I’m not going to dwell on what might be when what is is just that… It’s the now… And if this is the only day I have or someone I love has, I’m going to fill it with laughter, adventure, and memories.
We get so caught up in life, days turn into weeks that turn into years. You look back and wonder where the time went. Do you ever feel like you wasted some of that time? Do you look at entire years and they’re a blur? Have you been unable to let go of that one thing… that has been rooted and eating part of your happy, for way longer than you deserve? Because you deserve happy. You deserve freedom from those who have hurt you. You deserve weightlessness. You deserve more than you give yourself credit for.
I do not fear death. I fear wasting one breath on something I don’t have to. I refuse to focus on anger, hatred, worry, unforgiving and the ‘what ifs’. Today might be the last opportunity for adventure for you or someone close to you. Make it count. Makes memories. Let go of that thing you’ve been holding onto and do it for you.