I have spent an extraordinarily large amount of time over the last few years thinking about death. What it feels like, what it looks like, will it hurt? I’ve wondered what I would regret, if anything? Would there be bridges to mend, would I be doing it for them or for me? Am I comfortable with the relationships I have and the levels they sit at, or are there words, unspoken, taken for granted?
Do you know I love you?
Do you know you changed me?
Do you know that there were moments I felt completely alone and you reached out, reminding me to not wallow in self pity?
Do you know that you do little things that make a difference?
Do you know that I’ve known you my entire life, and in the last year have gotten to know you more than all the years before combined?
Do you know that the small amount of time I have had with you, feels like a lifetime, but still isn’t enough?
Do you know I’m a different person?
Did I affect you the way you affected me, or at all?
Do you know that the only thing I fear from death now is my kids still need me?
Do you know that I don’t take one conversation for granted anymore?
Do you know that I am getting better at picking up the phone when you’re on my mind, because what if this is the last time?
Do you know I have no regrets, or shame any longer for the life I’ve led, because you make me feel invincible?
Do you know that forgiving myself took the longest, and that now I can face forward and enjoy the time I have, instead of worrying about the time I had?
Do you know that small moments mean everything, even if it’s just to laugh about something stupid?
Do you know that I don’t do anything anymore that I consider a waste of time?
Do you know I don’t waste one second?
Do you know that I no longer fear being obsolete because I know I am as impacted in your brain or heart as you have been on mine?
Do you know that I wake up every day with a fresh view on the world and live today like it might be the last?
I feel like many times in my life it was almost my time, and yet, tomorrow continues to come. I am no longer afraid, no longer living with any expectations of how long I have left. Only looking forward to whatever adventure is next. Because when I die, I want people to be happy, not because I’m gone, but because I truly lived.