I’ve spent much of my life comparing myself to everyone around me. Sometimes this pushes me to do better, sometimes it discourages because I disappoint myself. All of the time it’s an unconscious choice that becomes aware to me the more damaging it becomes. It also tends to hide or distort the views I have of myself; which I believe every woman has some issues with at some point. I’ll choose to believe a distorted lie sometimes because it’s easier than believing something good about myself. Not sure why I do this, but it’s something I’ve been knowingly struggling with for a long time.
I grew up as the only girl in a family with 4 kids. Feeling the need often to “keep up” I would do things like play hockey, or just “be tougher”. I’m still unclear if I was doing this for the approval of my brothers or to prove something to myself. Then the older I got, it translated into less physical things and began to change to more to be academically focused. In my eyes (and a lot of other people’s) I have 3 amazing brothers, all successful in their own way. The oldest went to one of the top schools in the state, married a rocket scientist and is the second smartest person I know, only below my dad. I love to tell people how awesome he is, successful, and from my point of view has a pretty good handle on life in general. I’m sure he might say different, but in my eyes, he’s managed to build a very independent and successful life. The next brother followed his dreams. Flew off to an art school upon graduating high school, then off to “put in his time” at a reputable recording studio in California. He is now married to a woman that views the world through her own eyes, as does he.. in a time that no one does anymore. He is also a very successful drummer of a band that tours 6 months out of the year, and are commonplace on many different television series. Then there’s the “baby”. He has, since very early on, maybe 13, exhibited an understanding to life, and a compassion most people search and fight years to obtain. Having a philosophical discussion with him will blow your mind. He has ideas and plans and is fully his own person in a way I can honestly say I’ve never seen in anyone before. So this is what I — 2 failed marriages, single mom of 4 at 26, have compared myself to, for most of my life.
Thing is, that is who they are. I’ve never thought I’m anyone that has done anything, other than have the amazing ability to have an extraordinary amount of kids in a relatively short amount of time, that would make anyone envious, or even proud of me. One of my brother’s said something to me a few months back that gave me an entirely different perspective on my life. I am blessed in my own way, and have my own abilities that my brother’s don’t. And different as they may be, they are completely mine.
Growing up, which has only begun to happen in the last few years, has allowed me to truly be proud of them and the adults they’ve become. In that, I have recently began to realize how much that life isn’t a contest. Their path have been their choices, my path.. all mine. So, while I still struggle with feeling of inadequacy and the urge to compare myself to one of them, I am getting better and appreciate everything they and other people have done for me.
I was thinking about writing this on Thanksgiving.. but I didn’t want to write it just because it was the day we’re supposed to be thankful. I have alot to be grateful for, including my 3 amazing brothers that are all incredibly talented and inspiring, my 4 wonderful kids who will never let me grow old or make it though one day without laughing so hard there is danger of pee-pants, both my parents whose relationship and guidance is something I hope to be able to pass to my children someday, and my husband… who no matter how many times I ask him how he deals with me and the kids, he always has a different answer that makes me feel special.