You know that saying “God will never give you more than you can handle”? I have heard that, numerous times over my life. What they should say right after is “the amount of faith, hope, and trust required to believe that, is a life-long process and struggle”. Maybe not for everyone, but there are days I have a really hard time believing I’m not given more than I can handle. These days, the hopeless, overwhelming, sit-in-the-corner-and-cry days, I try to remember the impossible past.
I remember the moments I didn’t think I would survive. The moments I shouldn’t have survived. The moments that made me believe in miracles. The moments that made the hard parts worth it. The feelings of helpless or hopeless were there as well… But I made it through. Became stronger.
Today, I refuse to get lost in the hopeless.
Instead I will remember the moment I overdosed, and should have died, waking up to a phone call from my mom, because she felt the overwhelming urge to call at that moment.
I will remember every single accident I’ve ever been in and the words “you shouldn’t be alive” from the police, while I look at the impossible space I was sitting in, and now waking away from with nothing more than a scratch or bruise.
I will remember hearing “we can’t stop the bleeding” with the noticeable absence of a cry I had been waiting for 9 months to hear, only to have both change in a second.
I will remember being told a percentage chance that my child will die. Or never walk right again. I still get blown away by how beautiful she has become, how strong she is, how straight she stands.
I will remember losing friends, before they became adults. I will remember how small an infants coffin looks. I will remember thinking “why them”.
I will remember the stories, that from the moment of my birth and the knot that should have killed me, there is a reason not to give up.
I will remember that there is no reason that I should still be alive, except maybe there’s a bigger plan. And for that, I will ignore the weight, the call the give up.. And instead, I will fight with everything I have.
I will continue to believe, completely, that everything happens for a reason. People say that, but to really embrace it, you have to believe the good, bad and indifferent aren’t just random events. They are carefully orchestrated for a bigger purpose. The pain, heartache and loss, along with the joy.
This will pass and I will survive, again. And in the meantime, I will enjoy every moment that I, by all rights, shouldn’t have.