I just went through and read the last few posts. Wow, things change, and quickly. After taking almost solid two months to myself to “fix” some things, I can finally look at the future with vision that has exceeded anything from the past, immeasurably. I read how mentally I have been at this point before, how even for a short time physically, but this time I am mentally, physically and emotionally ready. I am 24 days into my journey. One with a promise of a future and hope for success.
Along with this new mentality and position is a lot of change. Most of it has been horribly uncomfortable, yet absolutely necessary. And it’s not done yet either… unfortunately. I have no idea what tomorrow holds anymore, and I’m learning that’s ok. Not easy, but ok. I’m also learning that there’s a lot of people who, unfortunately, will not be part of this incredibly bright future I can now see.
It’s such an awkward thing, not being able to see or know how things are going to turn out. And to be able to trust that. It’s incredibly nerve rattling. I found comfort in the way things used to be, as unhealthy as it was. It was routine, and “normal”. I knew what to expect and what was expected of me.
Living these last years of life as two people, both behind a huge curtain, became so second nature that I failed to see that it was killing me. The focus of maintaining the facade was so intense, that I failed to recognize the crumbling and decay of everything I used to be proud of and hold dear. Life had become a series of choices, each becoming more and more primal and eventually, equally as important to my individuality surviving. While at the exact same time feeling as though I was gaining some twisted sense of how the world and I worked and everything in it. When in reality, I was trying to kill myself, as quickly as possible.
Pursuing some higher understanding and intimacy level with others was a dangerous dance with self loathing and complete hatred for anyone and anything that may have claimed to know better than I. This went on until I finally couldn’t distinguish the line between right and wrong or happy and manic. But all of that aside, I did survive. I will not settle any longer for second best. Survival was what I once reached for. But survival is easy, handed to some as if they deserve it.
Survival is not for me… no… I will thrive.