“I had to learn that lesson the hard way”. I’ve heard that so many times, thought it to myself even more. Then I thought about it today… when have I ever learned any lesson the easy way? Isn’t that why they are “lessons”? Something you learn from, usually survive, and hopefully try not to repeat over and over? I find myself again in a position that I am “learning the hard way”. I think I prefer it that way. (not to be confused with I want to learn it that way… just if I have a choice I would prefer it to be a blatant, all-up-in-your-face kind of a lesson, than something subtle) I tend to retain more and repeat less.
I do have things to be grateful for, things that have been easy… or maybe easier than expected. Work is amazing, I never thought I would be doing as well as I am as quickly as I have. And I am so grateful for that because everything else in my life feels as though it’s a vicious spiralling tornado of chaos. I believe this would be the lesson of “letting things go” that I’m “learning the hard way”. I feel like over the last 6-9 months I have lost everything. OK… so not literally everything. I have discovered though that I place much more weight on physical belongings than I thought I did. I figure this comes from the last time I “lost everything”. About 10 years ago I was in a situation that I was blessed to be able to escape from. Unfortunately though I was only able to take myself, my child and very few belongings; mostly fit in one backpack. I began to rebuild, it helped to start over a little I think with nothing from that old life. So over the last ten years, I have managed to accumulate things that are completely mine. I didn’t realize how important alot of these things were until the beginning of last year and I began to “lose” them. A little at a time, they were either taken from me, stolen, or lost.. or in some cases I had to surrender. I now again have very few belongings and find myself over and over again, through the last year having to learn to let things go. I thought after the first few times of losing something I held so closely it would get easier the next time it happened… it didn’t. I feel the unexplainable need to replace the things I’ve lost. Alot of them were irreplaceable, and I’ve had to learn to get over that feeling and move on. I feel as though I have experienced sorrow as never before. Not just sadness, or unhappiness, but true sorrow, a heavy void that is inconsolable, constantly sitting on my chest waiting for the brief moment that I let down my guard for a half of a second so it can sneak in and make me unable to function, if even temporarily.
I have been blessed that my children are all healthy, and thankfully together, with me. They are all also dealing rather well with all the changes, better than I am in most cases. They are thriving, emotionally, physically and intellectually. I look at them every day and remind myself that no matter what I lose, as long as I have them, I can survive anything.
The hardest lesson I have had to learn this year is to let go of the idea of ability to save someone I love. To stop placing myself in dangerous positions, places that cost me some of those things I spoke of losing earlier. I’ve learned that the value of a life is worth more than anything I could buy, and will cost more than I can afford if it’s lost. I’ve learned that just because I see that value, doesn’t mean the owner does, and that sometimes there is nothing you can do to make them see things differently. And that all I can do about that is swallow my sorrow and pray. I’m still learning, every single day to let go, or try to let go, and to have faith that there will be a reason for all of this, someday. I’ve learned that when I love, I love unconditionally, passionately, and completely, whether the love is returned equally or not. I’ve also learned that I can hope to make a difference, but I can’t expect it. I’ve learned that there is comfort in simple things above all else, if you look for it.
This year has been one of the toughest ever. Even comparing to the one ten years ago. I survived that one, and I will survive this one. Maybe with a few more scars and a few less romantic ideas, but I will survive. And when I come out on the other side, I won’t be broken, timid, or weak. And I will know I loved and lived in ways