Every day I carry guilt, ridiculous amounts of it. Guilt for not doing things that have been on my todo list for ages. Guilt for failing to meet expectations.. At work, with parents, with friends, you get the point. The worst of all these though is the guilt that comes from being a mom. No one prepares you for that. Guilt after realizing that what you thought was the best decision for your genetic products didn’t turn out as well as you’d hoped. Guilt for sometimes giving them cereal for dinner because you’re either too tired or just don’t feel like cooking that night. Guilt for knowing you let them watch way too much tv, play way too many video games and eat way too much junk food… All if these you have to keep as silent guilt though, because none of us would ever admit to another mother what really goes on to get that peaceful hour in the bath without having to hear “mommy”. Then there’s the guilt the mini-me puts on you. It’s their way of testing their negotiation and sales skills. “Mommy, all the other kids have an iPhone5 and they make fun of me because I have a flip phone… You don’t want me to be made fun of do you.” Followed by a slight tilt of the head and a few very slow and deliberate blinks that cause the bottom lip to stick out just a little. Too cute.
Every decision I have made for or with my children has been visited after the fact and mulled over, analyzed and finally thrown in the permanent guilt vault. Convenient though, that guilt vault… It’s there so if I ever run into a situation where I feel completely at peace with all the decisions I’ve just made I can immediately access the vault and the most traumatic ones always hang out in the front for easy access.
So while I sit typing this and watching my little “not ripe yet adults” sleeping, I realize I will probably feel guilty for the rest of my life.. For decisions I make for them, for decisions they make for themselves, and for those things I forgot to tell them until it was after it was too late and now there are guilty consequences to deal with. But I also would change one single decision I’ve made and had to struggle through with them. I often tell my oldest that she needs to remember that all of her firsts are my firsts too, and please try to understand that we both are going to screw things up royally sometimes, but as long as we stick together, not only will everything be ok, but someday I will be able to close the guilt vault and lose the key.