I would like to tell you about the bravest person I know.
Not so long ago, someone I wasn’t very close with made a pretty bad enemy. Not on purpose, but sometimes, whether intentional or not, these things happen. This enemy liked to do sneaky, backhanded things, like find ways to try to hurt you, however it can. She tried to avoid it, but eventually the enemy found her and captured her, kidnapping her. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It would let her wander around freely, with the requirements of checking in on a schedule for torture and other such monstrosities. I was allowed to visit her and soon, because of a shared hatred for this enemy, we became closer than I could have ever hoped. I started to learn that my initial impressions were wrong. Next to me wasn’t a the person I thought she was at all. Instead a funny, warm, compassionate, and very scared girl. She fought hard and on his schedule, afraid to deviate by penalty of death. But the enemy was strong and she would get tired. She knew that when she had to go to the enemies lair, she would be forced to take poison, be kept awake for days at a time, and be a guinea pig for whatever experiments he wanted to torture her with. She would hold my hand and I would walk her in, only able to stand by her side and watch. The poison she was given often made her feel like dying would be a better option, but we reminded each other that eventually the enemy would get bored and let her go, and all we needed to do was wait it out.
So day after day and week after week, she would try to put on a smile and force one foot in front of the other to go to the last place she ever wanted to go. There were days where I had to put on brave face because I knew how sick she was going to get and how completely helpless I felt. All I wanted more than anything was to tell the enemy that I would take the poison and the pain, if he would just let her live and leave her alone. But, once someone is chosen, there isn’t anyone that can volunteer to take their place. I tried to be there for her as much as possible, but sometimes fell short, unable to cope with her pain, loving her like I do. But every time, when I fell short, she would be there carrying me… This little thing, that became even smaller, was carrying me… It should have been the other way around.
We got closer and closer, bonded now in a way I only dreamt was possible. One day, she told me she didn’t want to do it anymore, this was the moment the enemy wanted… To break her, make it impossible for her to remember that this was temporary and to hang in there. She told me that and I realized I needed her. I didn’t want to let her quit and the enemy win, I wanted her to fight with everything she had because I can’t do life without her.
I will always admire my 14 year old daughter for fighting cancer with everything she had and teaching me levels of bravery, courage, and humor I didn’t know existed.
You amaze me, every single day. And every day you are in remission is another day I know it’s only because you were brave enough to say if this is what it takes to keep living.
I love you.