Bad luck. All the phrases associated with it. “That person is bad luck”, “you’re having a string of bad luck”, “don’t do that it means you’ll have bad luck”, “oh, bad luck!”. I have felt those phrases in a very personal way for as long as I can remember, even more so over the last few years. I’ve not only felt them but I also have had them directed at me and my family. At one point, a well meaning friend told me if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all. Tragedy after heartbreaking tragedy hit me and my family. Each time, we all would feel completely battered and broken and unable to go on, hoping the next round of ‘bad luck’ would give us enough time to breathe before hitting again. To say it sucked for years, would be an understatement.
The problem was, I made a series of choices, the outcomes could have been good or bad, but they usually favored the more negative side, every single time. It became routine to expect the worst, never even hoping for a second that the best was ever going to be an option. We became incredible at surviving, barely. I remember talking to family and friends and telling them I had felt like I was drowning for so long that I didn’t remember what it felt like to breathe. Or how exhausting it was to always constantly be putting out fires. We lost everything. Including sense of safety, security, and sanity. More than once.
I can tell you I know what it’s like to live in a completely hopeless world. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, there was no end in the tunnel. Dreams were something forgotten and dismissed. How could we dream when we barely knew how to make it until bedtime that day? Sometimes moments were counted one breath at a time.
It broke us, completely enveloping me and my family in a very uncomfortable place for a very long time. Then, not long ago, on schedule, another heartbreaking event. But this time, I believe I had been broken to nothing and had already begun building a stronger, survivor series family. This blow – this hurricane, glanced off like it was nothing more than a minor irritation. For awhile, all of us heald our breaths and waited for the pain, loss, grief and agony. But this time, there was nothing but laughter. Since then, a few other ‘incidences’ have occurred. Each one armed and battle ready – dying before we even had to fight it.
I had a friend tell me the other day that I must be done or through my steak of bad luck because I was happier and seemed less burdened. I smiled, looking back and reflecting. It wasn’t bad luck, it was breaking and rebuilding. There will always be unfortunate events that look devastating. But instead of attributing things to bad luck, I can look at things as another opportunity to put one more brick onto my impenitrable sanctuary. I’m not scared of bad luck, and all those things that come with it. I now know we can face anything and not only will it be easy(er)’ it might be fun, and we aren’t looking behind anymore waiting for the next big blow. Because we know no matter what there is waiting in the future, we’re untouchable.
Wow, I never thought words could mean so much to one person or give inspiration to another. I have been reading your posts and can tell that you have been through a lot. My best and love goes out to you. I will continue to read and enjoy your readings from now and years to come.