2013 in review…. Hindsight is 20/20, right? What if you still look back and have no idea what was going on…. Still blurry vision, maybe even blackouts. This year has been rough, no surprise there. We’ve dealt with cancer, heartbreak, loss, and so much pain. 2012 wasn’t so fun either… But this past year started in the hospital with chemo…. I should have taken that as a sign and prepared my family and I better. We did survive, and got much stronger. Everyone changed, not sure if all was for the good yet. Time will tell.
My children, survivors, the one that faced cancer and the ones that we forced, against their wills to come along for the bumpy no-seat-belted ride. It feels like I dropped a nuclear bomb right in the middle of what used to be unbreakable and after almost 3 years I’m just now able to begin to weave that bond together again. Despite all the distractions and obstacles that have been thrown at us. We can make it through anything, and will.
Clearly now I realized that during turmoil if I can keep a vigilant perspective on pouring out love to someone that needs it, the craziness and pain seem less unmanageable. I was blessed enough during parts of long, unattractive hospital stays, to walk around and meet other parents or siblings of similarly affected children. I learned that all almost anyone wants in that situation is to know they’re not alone. Listening seemed to be what helped the most. And just as a mother loves to tell the story of the birth of her beautiful babies, so does a grieving parent of the heartache that comes from watching your child in so much pain and not be able to kiss the boo-boo away.
I feel drained and tired. I was holding it together for the sake of others while we endured the year. A few months ago when we got the news of total remission, I felt able to finally relax. My body and mind however, decided to begin dumping all the depression, anger, and tears that I had been shoving down for almost a year. So here, several months after, things are much calmer, and we are recovering. I can finally breathe enough to pull out relief and thankfulness.
I look back on 2013 with gratefulness and a perfect finality to move on without looking back until the wounds heal.
For the survival of every member of my family
For patience, understanding and most of all wisdom of a mother
For the opportunities to do things for others because of a generous father
For two parents that smash the idea that you can’t change when you are older and prove that you only become more perfect with age
For the knowledge and realization that my parents are always right
For the unconditional and blind love of my children
For grace and forgiveness from those that provided it over and over and still do
For hope of the beautiful future we have and the clear path provided to get there
For willpower that gets stronger and stronger every day
For the friends that call me to see how I am every single day
For realizing that every day can mean whatever I want it to
For a job and boss that has more tolerance and empathy than anyone I’ve ever met
For parents that want the best for me and my family, and don’t just talk about it, they also show it
For children that give me delightful surprises every day
For learning that you cannot wash your phone with your clothing
For learning you can put your freshly washed cell phone minus the batter in the oven for a bit and then it’s good as new
For my oldest being an amazing cook/nurturer/passionate/beautiful/just fabulous person overall
For remission x1000
For realizing my true passion and knowing that I can pursue it
For the I love you project that is going to be 4 years old next year and is going to change our lives
For our house, car and ability to be together as a family
For 5 perfect, talented, beautiful, giving, smart, loving, and patient children
For experiencing everything for the first time with the solidification of teenager-hood overtaking the house
For trust
For parents that see my dream and encourage me to chase it hard
For a sense of humor that amazes still
For nurses that break rules because they know how much of a difference the little things make
Above all for change
… Change that brings new, exciting things that may be difficult, or overwhelming, but will be faced with the support and strength of my family’s unbreakable bond.
Sorry for the rambling randomness. I just needed to do a stream of consciousness and remind myself when I start feeling down that there was more good than bad this past year.
Now I can enter 2014 with laughter and a smile.