My heart is broken. I had been preparing for this moment for your entire life. People warned me that I wouldn’t be ready… Instead of preparing myself, I did my best to make sure you were. I tried my best… Even though most of the time it felt like I was pretending to know what I was doing… You are smart, have been since the beginning. I was afraid if you knew exactly how clueless I was… You would be just as scared as I was. I tried to remind myself, frequently, that I was new at this… To give myself a break… But then the realization of the burden that I was entrusted with would be overwhelming and I would go back to pretending like I had it under control… So only one of us would be terrified. Most days felt like I barely made it.
Life happened. To both of us. And it happened hard. Harder than I expected, and took us to places I never thought we would be and certainly didn’t deserve. But, together, you and I, somehow, not only survived, but thrived.
I don’t know when it happened.. When you started thinking for yourself, making your own decisions… When you stopped looking to me for guidance and reassurance. Seemed like overnight… But looking back, I’ve encouraged it since the moment I met you.
The most terrifying thing was to realize you are becoming exactly what I had hoped you would be. An independent thinker, a survivor, a game changer, a leader, and influencer… Smart, gorgeous, compassionate, loving, and terrifyingly strong. It’s what I wanted for you, what I stressed over and hoped for you, so many times. Trying to make sure you knew right from wrong, that you were aware of others in need and wanted to help them, aware of your presence and how it affects others.
As you continue to grow, and become even more independent, you will begin to realize your story will change lives… Not just your own. You will begin to mature into the gifts and talents you have been nurturing since birth. You will become more than I could have hoped as you move into adulthood…and I will learn to let go. You are becoming everything we all worked so hard to help you become.
I wasn’t ready for you to leave, but I’ve been preparing you since you were born for this moment. I didn’t think it would happen so soon and your absence leaves a void I don’t think will ever be filled. I’m proud of you and who you are becoming. I am proud of you for exercising your independence. Thank you for telling me you love me and reassuring me that you’re fine, and that you’re happy… I know all that.. But I still need to hear it. Because every time I look at you I still see the sweet little girl that, when things became impossible, would climb in my lap and tell me “just me and you mommy, we can do anything”, and baby girl… You can.