You were my secret. A surprise that shouldn’t have happened, at the one moment I thought I was finally moving in the direction I wanted and needed to go. Beginning to accomplish the things that I hoped would give me a better foundation to support my family. I had just ended a relationship so I could focus on the courses coming up on my new college enrollment.
I got to hear frequently what a failure I was. An inept parent. That I would never be enough for my kids. That I would struggle every day, for the rest of my life. Then I found out about you. Mixed emotions were frequent at the beginning. I was facing this alone. Unable to tell anyone, because my “negative comment” box was full… Had been for some time. So I kept you my secret. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, I would wake up often scared, overwhelmed and alone. So many little faces depended on me already, and now there was going to be one more.
People say it was unplanned, but I don’t think I knew what my plan was. I think you made my plan. You were due late May, 40 weeks after I started college. In March, I finally couldn’t hide you anymore and I began telling people. Reactions were expected, most just shook their heads and sighed, muttering “really… again?”, under their breath. It hurt, but I already had grown attached to you, my little secret, and I couldn’t wait to meet you.
All those late nights, after working, staying up to do homework, we would talk. Just you and me. I told you about the offers to take you away, the rebukes that I should have made a different choice than to give you life, the disappointment I felt thrown in my direction from many sides. I told you then, that I would always protect you, be there for you and love you with everything that I had. And that it didn’t matter what anyone else had to say, you were mine.
The month of March included several unexpected trips to the hospital, and it became clear, you probably weren’t going to wait until May. You didn’t, and mid April… I got to meet your beautiful face, in a moment I will never forget.
You, my little secret, made my life and our family complete, in so many ways. I am blessed that you are mine, proud of the man you are becoming, terrified you are growing up too fast, and grateful that someone else’s plan included dropping you into my life at the one moment I needed you the most.
I love you, my secret, happy birthday.