I love you just because…

 I decided to start writing to mom and dad when one of dad’s oldest friends passed away. The friend had fought odds for many years, surviving a daughter and a wife, with diabetes at it’s worse. He had previously lost several limbs and I’m not entirely sure what he was in the hospital for when he passed. I was shocked and failed to pay attention. I’d never really known my parents to have alot of really close friends, only a few; and, as with all of us, life gets busy and runs away from us without even a peep. I think someone told me a long time ago that the older I get the faster time goes. That is the most true statement I’ve heard in a long time, that and “your parents really are right”- that one’s pretty true as well. This friend of my dad’s went to college with him and left a second wife and only daughter in his passing. I feel for her most, she’s now lost her mom, dad and only other sibling, the strength she must carry would be something I would love to get to know someday. The whole situation had me thinking, again, about how short things are in this life and how very fragile, not only the essence of life, but the relationships in them. A few years ago I had just had my fifth child and was in the several months after when I got a call from the doctor to tell me they had found some “questionable cells” at the last visit. My questions and panic were met with non-reassuring words that the doctor would give me more details when he got back from vacation in the next few weeks. I was left with serious doubts and at this point cervical cancer was just starting to become mainstream. For he next several weeks I panicked and researched. Worst case scenarios and best case outcomes. I finally went to the doctor and was told I had pre-cancerous cells lining my cervix, they were the cause of my constant pain, and excessive bleeding. They cryo-froze the cells and told me they expected that to take care of the cells. However, after the treatment there was still alot of pain and the bleeding continued to get worse. The tried hormones, creams, and other treatments. I continued to get worse as so did my sense of hope. Nine months after the original diagnosis I reached a point where I had given up, the lack of energy and extreme pain and constant bleeding were draining me. My children were living at grandparents and dad’s and I was working only about 15-20 hours a week, sleeping the rest. Quality of life is something I had taken for granted and now longed for constantly. I stopped taking all the medication, and stopped going to the doctor, justifying it to my mom that I would rather just let things run their course than continue fighting and feeling the way I did. My mother, being the mom that she’s always been, wouldn’t give up for me. Her persistence got me an appointment with one of the highest acclaimed GYN in the state. I have to believe at this point there was a bigger hand on things. The doctor had a several month waiting list, months I was told in the first visit with him due to a cancellation that I didn’t have. He recommended surgery, and told me if I didn’t do it as soon as possible, I wouldn’t be around for the next kids’ birthday, or mine. I’d never been faced with any sort of life/death situation before now. It really makes you look at everything in a totally different light. It makes you realize how precious every second with your child is. Or every lunch with your mom or dad, or every “I love you”. The death of this friend brought back alot of those feelings and I decided to project them to my dad. I can’t imagine, and hope I never have to feel the sting of losing a friend before their time. Then and now I realized that life is short, too short to hold onto anger, too short to miss an opportunity to see family you don’t normally see, and too short to miss any opportunity to tell those you love why you love them. So I begin the “I Love You Just Because” project.