The last few days have been re-adjusting to being back from an awesome family vacation.. working again. The first few days are always the hardest. The time off gave me alot of time to think.. and much like many people, my thoughts driftto the past. People that have made an impact on me. In those moments and relationships were alot of life changing moments… good and bad. I was also going through old emails and found some from an ex-significant other (we’ll call it that to protect the innocent). While reading I remembered where I was in my life when I read it the first time. A few pages through the email folder, continuing to read, I was able to create a mental time-line of our relationship. I watched the emails go from adoration and courtship, to familiarity, to hurt, and finally to hatred and disgust. A relationship, full circle.
When I began this relationship I did it for the wrong reasons, and was not yet mature enough to know what all the right reasons for hanging on to a relationship are. I was in love, but not aware of what it meant to actually love someone.. unconditionally. The reason for the high divorce rate in our country, I believe, is that instead of promising to love someone till you die, you promise to love them until you find something that you can’t stand about them, something you can’t change about them, or someone you think is better. I chose to end the relationship without much of a fight, justifying it with reasons why he would hurt me soon, why he did hurt me, why we wouldn’t work out much longer. I broke him, completely. I deal with guilt, alot of it.
That brings me to the lastemail I read, he had written a blog about his progress from moving on from what used to be his “family”. In it he challenged everyone to find someone to love, unconditionally. Someone that you had to make the conscience effort to give your heart to, knowing they may not return it whole. I still struggle with what happened, and have been forgiven by him, but now work quite often to continue to forgive myself. I wonder if my wanting to reach people is partially my own guilty conscience trying to right a past wrong. Or is it that this very broken relationship and the experiences that came along with it changed to way I view love and sharing it.
So every day, I choose to love, choosing to put myself out there, willing to get hurt, beat and broken every single time. Because without the risk, there is no reward. And without someone choosing to love me unconditionally, I would be nothing.