I’m so much harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. I take responsibility for not just my mistakes, but the mistakes of anyone I’m responsible for or have any direct connection to. When they fail, I feel as though I’ve failed them.
I just read 2500 words I just wrote and decided the only part of what I wrote that was worth keeping was the 3 sentences above. I’ve tried to not use this as a place to vent or “dump”. Which is why there’s a big gap between some of the writings. I was raised being told if I didn’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. Why would I want to bring a downer to your day, life is already sad (and hard) enough sometimes.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m struggling so much lately. Why it feels like nothing is or will go my way. And not even my way, just a different way than this would be good. I’ve realized I carry guilt, a lot of it. I think it comes with being a mom. When you sign that birth certificate paperwork in the hospital, I think you’re actually signing a guilt/worry clause. I’m pretty sure the fine print looks something like this.
- I will always wonder until at least the age of 4 (longer if this is my only child) that he/she is still breathing throughout the night, and if necessary I will check on him/her a minimum of 4 times an hour through the night for at least the first 18 months, and if I don’t I feel guilty
- When at the grocery store and I see a mom with a child older than my throwing a horrible temper tantrum, I will wonder if I’m unknowingly creating that monster, and then I’ll feel guilty for giving into something
- I will blame myself when I gave a 5yr old a full cup of water before bed and 4 hours later am awoken because the bed is now wet and I feel guilty because I caused the interruption to their sleep
- I will cry and feel guilty when I drop them off for kindergarten, grade school, junior high, and college because they’re growing up too fast and I feel like I missed something huge
- I will feel guilty for letting him/her eat dry cereal and a bowl of milk off the kitchen floor “like a puppy” for dinner because I got home from a ten hour day at work and have no energy to cook
- I will feel guilty because I will take “shortcuts” on the bedtime stories he/she picks out because it’s a chapter book and “I wanna hear the whole thing before bed”
- I will feel guilty because I have to work and be away from him/her
- I will feel guilty because I want to go to work sometimes
- I will feel guilty because I can’t buy he/she everything they want
- I will feel guilty because I can’t make the other children at school like my child
- I will feel guilty because I can’t be there to protect he/she all the time
- I will feel guilty when I forget a birthday, or just don’t bother mentioning it until a few weeks later when it fits better into my schedule
- I will feel guilty when for the first 3-4 years of his/her life I didn’t tell them about Christmas, Easter, Halloween or their birthdays at all because they would still play with a paper box for weeks and be thrilled
- I will feel guilty because there’s some days I will need a timeout
- I will feel guilty because my style of parenting is drastically different than others
- I will feel guilty because everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing, how I should raise him/her and what I should name them
- I will feel guilty because I won’t know if I have adequately prepared my child for junior high and beyond until they succeed or fail
- I will feel guilty when they fail (because they will fail at something)
- I will feel guilty when I cry in front of him/her
- I will constantly feel guilty because there’s never going to be anyone to tell me if I’m doing the right thing, or a good thing as a parent
- I will feel guilty for losing my temper
- I will feel guilty because I will reach a point with socks that I will send he/she to school wearing two different colors because finding the match was near impossible
- I will feel guilty for every subsequent child I have that I am more and more lenient with
- I will feel guilty because I let a small hand on my cheek and the words “mommy, I love you” melt my heart and allow certain injustices including but not limited to (gutter baths [see subsection 1.2 for definition] Popsicles for breakfast, snipe hunting on a school night, naked ice cream parties, donut runs at 3am, “picnic” dinners on the living room floor, happy meals, etc.)
- I will feel guilty for feeling guilty for everything above and many more things to be discovered
I will never claim to be a perfect parent. I won’t even claim to be a good one until they are grown up and I have grandchildren. Sometimes, no matter how crazy the rest of my life gets and how over-burdened I am because of life, I just need to stop and remember why I feel guilty all the time. I wouldn’t trade the guilt in for anything, it means I care and that I’m not perfect, but that’s what makes it interesting.