I love you because you’re me…

something I’ve kind of sucked at my entire adult life (other than not learning my lessons the easy way), is staying too long in a bad situation. Relationships are not my strong point. The good ones I seem to self-sabotage and the abusive or bad ones I seem to always come back to get more. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve done so much bad that I deserve to be punished, whether it’s self punishment or other. Then when things go bad, I blame myself. And if that isn’t enough, I punish myself too. It’s a horrible habit and I know I do it, but how do I stop? How do I take myself back to the point I was at when I was proud of myself? Before I made decisions that nearly cost me everything. How do I remember that I am worth something to someone somewhere and there is a person out there that won’t treat me like a doormat or like toilet paper? How do I know I’m not teaching my kids that those bad relationships are ok? After all, I keep going back. They see me put up with crap, cry for hours because the pain is unbearable and then wipe the tears and get up to get some more. How do I make sure to teach my sons that all women deserve to be heard and respected and that sometimes, while emotional, a lot of our passion comes from a very deep sense of commitment and desire to please the other person. And my daughters, that their future spouses should treat them with respect, speak gently with them and listen to all their hopes and fears and share them, regardless of how silly they may seem. I know something has to change, but I don’t know how. The hardest year of our lives is almost at it’s end. I can see it with the rest of my family. I know it’s going to bring new beginnings, hopes, opportunities and dreams. I realized part of why I’ve been struggling so badly is because I don’t have any dreams, hopes or goals… and haven’t for awhile. That’s my next project, remember how to dream. I may need help from the kids on this one. I also want to get back to writing, not just to vent (because I’ve been doing that a lot lately) but because I need to feel like I am accomplishing something bigger than me.