I went to Myspace tonight, on a whim.. wanted to see if it was the same as it’s been for the last 4-6 years since the big facepage takeover. It is. It’s alot more musically enhanced (new music players etc.) and I still have the same 4 friends I had back then too. I stumbled across some blogs I wrote and began to read. As I started to read, paying attention to the dates, I realized how many life-changing events had occured in the last 6 years. Four relationships, an unplanned pregnancy, 2Â marraiges, one annulment, 3 job changes, a carreer move, a college degree, 14 lost friends, 6 new ones, 2 steady ones, and a completely new view and outlook on my future and life in general. I read through an entire relationship, beginning to end. Through a friendship dying in order to turn into something better. Through the pain and confusion of choosing to become a mommy for the fifth time, alone. I read and was able to recognize the moment I think I hit bottom at that point in my life. Have you ever been able to relate to your past self? That was my moment.
Things have been stressful lately. New job, with alot of new pressures and expectations. Jumping through more hoops than ever to make a better life for my family. Combine that with the pressure of raising kids that won’t slow down for anything, and dealing with more closeted issues than I wanted to admit to myself. Ugh. But three days ago, I passed the first test of three (for work) and decided that my life was worth more than the direction I had been letting it drive me, and I took back my control. I know the last two years and everything I’ve put up with and let happen will someday become past experiences I can share, inspire and maybe even save someone from the dark place I just came from. There is a light, because I just came out of the tunnell. I can breathe, for the first time in as long as I can remember. There is reason, purpose for everything and I guess i just needed my past-self to remind me of that. I survived then, and I’ll survive now.