I Love You Just Because…

Yesterday, I lost my job. Because of politics, maybe because of my family situation, maybe because things just happen for a reason. I will not let this ruin me, I will continue to do what I do and make sure my family is ok. I will, in time, be grateful for this opportunity to move, fearlessly in a different direction. I will continue with my project and believe that feeding other people emotionally will in turn fulfill me in a way nothing else can.

I’m at my baby brother’s wedding today. As I watch my brother stand up and share his own thoughts and feelings with his new wife, I found myself somewhat shocked. Here, standing before me in a perfectly fitting suit, looking older than I last remember him being, was the boy I grew up with, fought with, and admired. The most talented boy I’ve ever known. When he was no more than 12 I remember him being able to sit and play any instrument he picked up. At the time it frustrated me so badly, I struggled to read enough notes to plink out simple tunes on the piano. Shortly after discovering his musical awesomeness, he revealed he is also an unparalleled artist. His musical and art talent and comedic genius brought, and brings joy to anyone that has ever had the pleasure of getting to know him. He never let fear of the unknown stop him, instead he charges through whatever obstacle is in his way and conquers it before it has time to struggle or know what’s going on. And sometimes, he’s cranky, but aren’t all artists? He finally found someone that can match his talents, and most importantly, his wits. Here he stands, in front of me, staring at his hour-old wife with a look I’ve only seen a select few times when we were kids. The look that he has just come upon something new to master, he doesn’t know how yet, but he knows it’s the best thing ever and he plans to commit to figuring it out until it becomes second nature and flows through him like the music he makes. Maybe instead of panicking at the chaos, I should take note from my little brother, who has quickly become a man, and see the beauty in everything. I love you because you’re focusing on what’s important and because you’re one of the most artistically talented people I know. I love you, partner of his, because for the first time I think he’s met his match and you’re perfect. Thank you to you both for feeding my soul today. I will survive.

I open the “new post” button almost every day and find there’s a lot more fear in telling your feelings to the world than I’ve every experienced before. No one is likely even reading this yet, but the possibility frightens me. Weird. I usually am pretty proud that I can “lay it all out there” and just tell anyone how I’m feeling. I think I’m starting to realize I’m good at listening to how others are feeling and then relating. Kind of like a mirror. Instead of having my own open emotions, I empathize like no one you’ve ever seen before. You cry, I cry, you hurt, I hurt. Similar is the “I love you” project. Everything we do has an effect on everyone else. Many times we don’t even see the effect, if we’re lucky somewhere down the road we get some sight of something positive that we’ve affected. I think that’s the issue, that we have become complacent with ‘sometimes’ seeing the positive. With the economy (that nasty word everyone has been throwing around for several years now) and so many people in situations you wish you could just turn away from it feels so hopeless and final. I don’t know if what I’m doing is making a real difference, maybe not financially, but I’m aiming more at the mental. I plan to do 10,000 random acts of kindness over the course of my lifetime, more if I’m blessed to get the time. In 2009 I did one a day. This year I’m aiming for 2 or more. Funny thing is I used to think that random acts needed to be big, or elaborate, like buying a strangers groceries, but you’d be surprised how far holding a door open or telling someone why you love them will go.

 I decided to start writing to mom and dad when one of dad’s oldest friends passed away. The friend had fought odds for many years, surviving a daughter and a wife, with diabetes at it’s worse. He had previously lost several limbs and I’m not entirely sure what he was in the hospital for when he passed. I was shocked and failed to pay attention. I’d never really known my parents to have alot of really close friends, only a few; and, as with all of us, life gets busy and runs away from us without even a peep. I think someone told me a long time ago that the older I get the faster time goes. That is the most true statement I’ve heard in a long time, that and “your parents really are right”- that one’s pretty true as well. This friend of my dad’s went to college with him and left a second wife and only daughter in his passing. I feel for her most, she’s now lost her mom, dad and only other sibling, the strength she must carry would be something I would love to get to know someday. The whole situation had me thinking, again, about how short things are in this life and how very fragile, not only the essence of life, but the relationships in them. A few years ago I had just had my fifth child and was in the several months after when I got a call from the doctor to tell me they had found some “questionable cells” at the last visit. My questions and panic were met with non-reassuring words that the doctor would give me more details when he got back from vacation in the next few weeks. I was left with serious doubts and at this point cervical cancer was just starting to become mainstream. For he next several weeks I panicked and researched. Worst case scenarios and best case outcomes. I finally went to the doctor and was told I had pre-cancerous cells lining my cervix, they were the cause of my constant pain, and excessive bleeding. They cryo-froze the cells and told me they expected that to take care of the cells. However, after the treatment there was still alot of pain and the bleeding continued to get worse. The tried hormones, creams, and other treatments. I continued to get worse as so did my sense of hope. Nine months after the original diagnosis I reached a point where I had given up, the lack of energy and extreme pain and constant bleeding were draining me. My children were living at grandparents and dad’s and I was working only about 15-20 hours a week, sleeping the rest. Quality of life is something I had taken for granted and now longed for constantly. I stopped taking all the medication, and stopped going to the doctor, justifying it to my mom that I would rather just let things run their course than continue fighting and feeling the way I did. My mother, being the mom that she’s always been, wouldn’t give up for me. Her persistence got me an appointment with one of the highest acclaimed GYN in the state. I have to believe at this point there was a bigger hand on things. The doctor had a several month waiting list, months I was told in the first visit with him due to a cancellation that I didn’t have. He recommended surgery, and told me if I didn’t do it as soon as possible, I wouldn’t be around for the next kids’ birthday, or mine. I’d never been faced with any sort of life/death situation before now. It really makes you look at everything in a totally different light. It makes you realize how precious every second with your child is. Or every lunch with your mom or dad, or every “I love you”. The death of this friend brought back alot of those feelings and I decided to project them to my dad. I can’t imagine, and hope I never have to feel the sting of losing a friend before their time. Then and now I realized that life is short, too short to hold onto anger, too short to miss an opportunity to see family you don’t normally see, and too short to miss any opportunity to tell those you love why you love them. So I begin the “I Love You Just Because” project.

You ever feel like your life is on the verge?Not sure of what, or why, but there. I’ve been at that point for awhile, not entirely sure how to push things over the edge. At first there was the fear of what direction I wanted to go, now I think the indecision has made things more difficult than it should be. When did life move from simple, when dreams included being a ditch digger or a grocery bagger. Now, many years past what began as a direction and has taken many detours I’m finally going to start doing things for me.