I Love You Just Because…

Today was the first day at my new job. I’ve got a new view on cleaning toilets. It’s not really a new view, more like a reminder. I’ve always believed, especially being a manager, that the higher up the ladder you go, you should still always stay grounded. Remembering where you came from, or what the people that work hard for you go through to make you look good. Today I cleaned toilets, took out trash, did some dishes, and took orders from someone who needed to feel important today. I had fun and felt like the new guy again. That uncomfortable, awkward place where you’re not quite sure what to do with yourself so you don’t either look smug or stupid. It was awesome!

Along with the new guy feeling and the re-grounding, I have a renewed appreciation for work. It wasn’t even 4 weeks ago I had told my daughter that if I got a job shoveling poo, I would do it. I’m grateful that’s not what came through. And for the first time in 13 years I was told to take a lunch break, worked for only 8 hours, and got off exactly when I was scheduled to. I didn’t know what to do with myself on the lunch break, so I sat in the car and read. This whole 8 hour thing might be something I could get used to as well. Crazy..

Life is too short.. I hear that phrase a lot. Live with no regrets is another one I hear. A friend of mine recently lost their grandma and had to leave town abruptly for the memorial. The person they lost meant alot to the entire family, and I wonder if they got to say goodbye, or if they regret missing an opportunity recently to do so. I don’t want to have regrets with family. I do have regrets, most of them.. no, all of them are with past relationships and not listening to my parents (they do know what they’re talking about.. all the time). Regardless if admitting to regrets makes me look weak.. it doesn’t change what they are. With family though, I want no regrets. I don’t want to grow old and have issues with my brothers that causes us to not talk for weeks, or months, or years. I don’t want to miss an opportunity to get closer and develop that “sister(in-law)” bond I always wanted growing up. I don’t want to feel like I didn’t show my parents enough appreciation for all the things they’ve done for me (and continue to do). I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I missed my last chance to listen to my grandma tell me a story about how things were when they got their first indoor toilet, or how my grandpa flew a glider in WWII only to crash into enemy territory and have to make his way out on his own. I don’t want to miss an opportunity to give a woman and a baby standing in the freezing snow at a bus stop a ride 4 minutes out of my way because I was too busy with my own distractions. I want, when I grow old to have a peace that I didn’t miss any important opportunity to build a relationship and impact every person I get to know just as much as they have impacted me. And when I die, I want no one to have a regret with me, or to feel as though I couldn’t have tried harder or loved more passionately. I’m not going to miss any more opportunities to take a gutter bath in the rain, listen to every story from anyone that wants to tell me, find special ‘treasures’ with my kids, and to love someone for no other reason but because of who they are. I will live my life to die with no regrets.

I’m learning alot.. I think I’ve said that before.. but it still amazes me as to how much. I got a job offer and have another interview on Wednesday! So much pressure has been lifted and now I’m just trying to enjoy the last couple days I have with my family before I start. I know at the beginning I said I had fallen back in love with my husband, which was true. Along with that came getting to know him better than I ever wanted to. There is a reason people should not be around each other all the time. I’m really looking forward to going to work and being able to look forward to coming home.

While off (which is what I’ve decided to call it.. like an extended vacation), I also have had the pleasure of finding out for the 6th(that I can really remember) time who my “real” support is (friends, mentors and family). Family has always been there, even more now. I’m not sure if I’m getting to know them better because I’m getting older, wiser, or just have more time. Either way, I’ve never felt more supported from all of them. I’ve been able to reconnect with mentors from my childhood even, which I don’t think would have happened had I been “on”. Friends on the other hand have shown who they really are. I’ve tried to pursue some of them for awhile, but it’s become clear they are at a different place in their lives than me.. and that’s ok. I’m still grieving some of them, but know that I’ll find new ones.

Just bored today.. the start date for the new job is still about two weeks away and the pressure to constantly look is lifted. It means I now have tons of time on my hands… tons. I’ve also noticed that doing something nice for someone everyday is much less effort to think about now. I’m doing things and not thinking twice about them (which doesn’t give me the opportunity anymore to talk myself out of it). At the beginning I was more timid about helping or saying something to people for fear of rejection, comments, or dirty looks. The world isn’t used to people being nice.. many of them tend to think you want something, or are trying to trick them in some way. The looks, and comments (if negative) don’t bother me much anymore. And I’m getting better at making people feel more comfortable accepting it. So far, so good. Super excited about the next few weeks!

I’ve come to realize that this sucks. It’s been a nice vacation, but I’m ready to go back to work. Stressing out every week how I’m going to pay the bills due that week is getting really old, and some days the only reason I’ve found to get up and moving is that I need to be nice to someone else that day. Not my normal cheery self most days… probably why I’m not writing. Until yesterday, when I went to pick up my 6 year old from her dad’s. We were driving with the normal chatter between us after she’s been away for the weekend. Asked her how she’s doing, what she did, and start prepping her for school tomorrow. Out of the blue she asks me how much money I have in the bank. I laughed a little and told her. To me, not enough to pay any of the bills… but to a 6 year old I have “enough money to buy anything”. She went on to tell me how someday she’ll have that much money and be rich. It’s funny how a change in perspective can give you a boost. So today I woke up, knowing I “have enough money to buy anything”.. ready to take on another day!

This sort of goes with the last one.. So I’m still unemployed, still hopeful… but still unemployed. I’m now trying job fairs.. Anyone that has every done any of them knows how crazy and sometimes, sadly, pointless they can be. Totally overwhelming, fighting nonverbally for the same job we’re all so desperate for. Went to one downtown a few days ago to one hosted by the local unemployment office, 6000 people 70 businesses.. you do the math. It was good to get a solid list of everyone that’s hiring. I went home after standing in line for one business for 45 minutes and applied for every single one through their website. The point of this is that it would be very easy for me to just stay at home and never leave the house. Sometimes the thought of standing in a group of people being compared to the person in front or behind you while you actually have to look at them absolutely terrifies me. I can’t figure out if it’s the fear of failure or something else. I am not the best public speaker, and trying to put into words my abilities and talent for someone doing an interview usually goes over as well as the first time you were called on to read in class in the first grade. Tomorrow I’ll put on my brave face and do it again. Going to seize it and hang on tight.

I decided to quit being a chicken and just post what I started… hence the few randoms.

‘I love you because’… you use me like a crutch.
Such a blanket statement, so few words, so much power. Words have more of an impact than any other single action. I knew a girl a few years ago that I met through my mother and brother. He had known her sister in a group of friends that would hang out every so often. (Did you follow that?) I go a phone call one day from my mom, telling me she would like me to talk to this girl. At this point she was a woman, and a few years older than me. I was shy, awkward, and uncomfortable in general with people I didn’t know, but felt the need to talk to her. Turns out she was an ex-crack user that used to get abused by her boyfriend and recently found out she was pregnant. Her parents were out of state and knew she was in a bad place but didn’t know how bad. Her sister had tried to reason with her, but the girl had it set in her mind that she wanted to terminate the pregnancy. Looking back on it, I don’t remember the reason I went to talk to her, all I remember thinking is that I wanted to help. If she still wanted to get an abortion when we were done talking, then so be it, at least I tried. We started talking and I found myself drawn to her, completely connected by certain points in our lives that appeared to run pretty parallel. I was a single mom with several kids and had long since realized that the strength of a person comes mostly from the inside, but some from the support structure surrounding the person. I promised her things as we spoke. I promised her that the baby would not be like the boyfriend that had beat her, emotionally and physically. I promised her that she had the strength to be an adult and make adult decisions. I promised her that whatever she decided to do I would be there with her, during and after. I encouraged her to not make choices quickly based out of fear. We continued to talk for several days pretty consistently, and one morning I got a phone call. She wanted to keep the pregnancy and possibly give it up for adoption based on the sex of the child. I drove her to doctor appointments for awhile and emotionally carried her through words when she struggled. She became strong enough to stand on her own and eventually called her parents to let them know what was going on. When she became surrounded by family, she needed me less and less. Eventually she moved to be closer to her family and we lost touch. I heard she had the baby, but don’t know where she is or how she’s doing. She was well supported when she quit calling, and I pray often that she still is. She used me when she needed me and let me go when she had enough support to hold her up and no longer needed mine. I place myself in a position to be used as a crutch as often as I can because I realized a long time ago, that there are many, many people that don’t have the support they need. They either don’t believe in themselves enough, or the support system that should have been set up for them failed. I’ve never had more self worth than when I’m a crutch, and even more when I watch someone I’ve supported be able to stand on their own and move forward. When you see someone hurting, even if you don’t know them, say hi and smile, you make give them the boost they need to make it through.

 love you because… you pushed me down and humiliated me.
 
I am an encourager. One of those people that looks, and can usually find, something good about every situation. Whether it’s something I’ve gone through or something someone else happens to go through, I’ll find the ray of sunshine. I found out a few years ago, during the time I like to call the “age of enlightenment”, that even the smallest of positivity in some one’s daily life can make or break an entire week. I had plenty of people that believed in me and always told me I could do whatever I put my mind to. But, like many of the other 12-14 year olds entering middle school, there were just as many people to push me down and tell me I couldn’t do what I wanted, and my potential is limited. If you hear something enough, you will believe it. Basics of brainwashing. So the “middle-earth battlefield” as I will refer to it, became the grounds that shaped who I am now. The many children who laughed because I was a nerdy, plastic-pink-glasses wearing, modest, hippie channeling girl that was for most cases younger by almost a year than all my classmates, every day at school was a struggle. And every day I heard from my mom and dad how I was smart and beautiful and unique. Then I would go to school for 8 hours and be told how ugly, dumb and ordinary I was. Nothing is more damaging to a female (male too, but not sure) than being told you are “ordinary”. In some cases I was told I was different, which back then I actually believed was a bad thing. Every day the battle ensued, and every day I lost a little more innocence and purity. I was pretty sheltered, but there are some things your parents just can’t protect you from. As much as it hurt then, I began to build a fence, one that chose to see only the good in people, the one that allows me to forgive and usually forget quickly. I began to accept the things they told me, and achieve to overcome them. I turned into a young adult that made some very poor choices and my life took an incredible turn into the unknown and “forbidden” direction. I began to take every person’s “you can’t do that” for a challenge, overcoming obstacle after obstacle. I love now, being told I can’t do something, just to see the look on the face of the challenger that told me that to begin with, when I complete whatever was “unobtainable”. So I love you all class of 92′ bear creek middle, for making me so strong none of you can touch me. I encourage every chance I get. To anyone I can. Show them love, trust and encouragement as often as possible. Maybe my doing this, we can shape the future to be better than the past was.

Being unemployed is such a roller coaster. I didn’t realize how much a job relates directly to your self worth until I didn’t have one. While it’s been amazing for my family life and for some serious reflection, my self esteem has taken a big hit. Twelve rejection letters a day will do that to a person. I do believe though, as I fight back, that I am stronger and will be invincible when this is all over.

I’ve been riding the train downtown once a week to hang out with an amazing lady that for some reason has decided to teach me things that I would otherwise have to pay or beg someone to learn. On the way there and back I have found perfect opportunities to say something nice to someone, or several someones. Sometimes they switch seats, which I find funny because then I just end up staring at them. Just kidding. It amazes me though how much it puts people off balance when you compliment someone, or do something nice. My new favorite thing is when I go through a drive through to pay for the person behind me as well.

This one is kinda all over the place, random. Not a whole lot of consistency to my thoughts lately. Still going strong though!

Over the last few weeks I’ve had the honor of getting to know my children, again (and enjoy them). My husband and I have fallen back into love, and I’ve been able to take a good hard look at the direction my life has been going and reevaluate. With having a job, I wouldn’t have been able to have the opportunity to do any of this. Life goes so quickly, days turn into years and before you know it, thing you wanted to do have now become things you thought you wanted to do. We change our mindset and goals constantly to adjust to life. Why can’t life adjust to our mindset and goals?

I feel urgency to find a job and support my family, but for the first time, it’s a picky urgency. No longer am I being driven by desperate blindness into the next job that will pay the bills, but instead I’m looking at every opportunity that comes along with a speculation and a new set of rules. *Does this job allow time for my family? * Does this job provide something I can get excited about? * Does this job seem like something I can turn into a career? I’m not saying I’m different from anyone else that’s unemployed. I think I’m just refusing to let the situation of my life determine any longer where I go. Instead, where I go will determine my situation.

Quick side note I observed today. My youngest has, for awhile now, referred to my side of the car as the “elephant” side and daddy’s side as the “dragon” side. It doesn’t matter what side we’re on, if I’m sitting in it, it’s the elephant side. I try to see it as a 4 year old, that he’s not calling me fat, so today I asked why he does that. I got a very simple, “because mommy, you’re the ellie and daddy’s the dragon”. In our house, as most houses, our kids have grown up with what some call “woobies” or “snuggies”, ours call them “ellies”. It started with my youngest daughter and a stuffed elephant we bought for her when she was born. The elephant was about the same size as a 12 month old. One night, I think she was about 4-5 months old, I went to check on her in her crib (which is also where we kept the elephant. When I looked over the edge of her crib, all I saw were two little feet poking out from under this (huge at the time) stuffed animal she had pulled on herself. I panicked and tried to remove it, thinking she possibly was suffocating her. She woke up and immediately grabbed for the elephant again, pulling it down on her so she could sleep. I found her in this position often from then on, and her and her “ellies” became inseparable, it was her security. We had bought my son an “ellies”, and even though it’s a horse, he still calls it ellies. I think I discovered today that he calls daddy’s side the dragon side because he knows that daddy will protect him, no matter what, even if he has to breathe fire. Mine is the ellies side, the security blanket and comforter. When I need to put things into perspective, maybe I should talk to my 4 year old more often.

This weekend I experienced a total renewal in my soul. I’m not usually the one that preaches, or is all about religion, but I feel refreshed and ready. Ready to take the next chapter in my life and fit what I want it to. I learned alot about myself this weekend.

In the “I love you project” I currently have 26 direct “links”. A link being someone that on a regular, or semi-regular basis I can express my gratitude, or love-you-because’s to. Some of them I communicate every day with, other’s I try every other week, and some one a month. Every one of them though is in my thoughts constantly.

Yesterday I began to reflect on our time, being our time here, now. Time for relationships, family, and friends. Then I thought about all the ‘missed’ opportunities I’ve passed on to express my gratitude or joy for something someone did, or what someone meant to me, because I was scared of what they would say, or what those with me would say. Then I thought about all the people I pass every day and I wonder how many times they’re told “I love you because…” or “thank you for…”. I will not miss another opportunity to brighten someones day. I decided to add to the project and once a day (at least) I will tell a stranger what I see, from the few seconds I have the pleasure of being in their presence, that makes them special. I’m sure this will be the most interesting portion of the project thus far. In the meantime I’m toying with an idea of what to do now that the world is my option. I have decided not to settle, not to change for the corporate world, or for the greater expectancy. I will be who I am, unashamed and do what I do and be thrilled that I am doing something I love!