I Love You Just Because…

Have you ever been with someone that was everything you always dreamed your perfect man would be. Magically they tell you they love you. You would do anything for them, and do… You love to make them happy. Is person begins to consume you.
You not only dream about him (or her) but eating, sleeping, working and any other daily activities are completely consumed with them. You are so infatuated that you are unaware of anything else. You will do anything to make them happy, including compromise yourself. It doesn’t happen quickly. Actually, you’re not even aware of it until someone points it out. You ignore them of course because the blindfold of warm fuzzies is letting you see no fault. We all know at some point that blindfold gets old and starts to wear thin enough to see clearly through. Then you have to make a choice, continue or change something, if you’re not happy or it’s not healthy for you. When you’re in a long term committed relationship, the time will come that you have to make a conscious decision to continue loving the other person. And that some days, is not easy.

I have wasted so much time in many of my relationships trying to please a man that wants to do absolutely nothing for me in return. Not that i noticed until there were giant holes in my blindfold of love, because I’m a rescuer, and a people pleaser. What can I do to make things better for them? That question I ask myself at least once a day. Then today, while driving down the road I had an epiphany. I was wallowing about feeling lonely and wondering if I will ever be able to walk into a relationship with no blindfold and finally be with an equal partner. Then I realized, I don’t have to be lonely right now, I have friends and family. And they are more than willing to fill my lonely social pocket. I started doing a friend inventory. Learning from all the past relationships, trying to calculate who would be the most positive to focus on, even use as a guideline for the next time I begin an intimate relationship. One in particular stood out more than the rest. This man is consistent. Without fail he always has time for me, no matter what he’s doing and makes me feel more important than whatever I interrupted. My mom once told me, you know you find a good man when he buys you presents. This one does, not just on holidays but sometimes, just because. A man that is the standard to which I should have measured every guy. A man that lives by his integrity and word. He puts family above anything else. I have known him a long time, before I was old enough to work… Because of his example, I know how to work hard, to be loyal, and in turn I have become successful. This man also has always held the fragility of my heart with the utmost care. He gets protective when I get hurt and goes to great lengths to keep me safe. I feel like an idiot looking back, seeing how much I was following my emotions, taking for granted what I’ve had my entire life. Worrying about making man after man happy that care only for their own concerns. Showing me just enough affection to pad that blindfold for a little bit longer. This man has always been honest with me. Even when it hurts or was critical, I would always know the unconditional love behind it. And of course he’s a man and sometimes things come out not as they were intended causing my girl defense border come out shooting. But we’ve always come out of those misunderstandings with a peace treaty and a better understanding of each other. He used to tell me when he saw me doing something stupid, try to save me some pain, but usually I wouldn’t listen. Then when everything happened just as he tried to warn me it would, as a good friend, instead of “I told you so” he was there with a Kleenex and a hug to make it all better. He patiently watched as I had bad relationship after bad relationship, and when those fell apart… He is the guy I would come to for comfort. I have never had to question that his intentions weren’t always in my best interest. He is selfless, charitable, and everything I have looked up to. He leads by example and people look up to and respect him. I look at this list, kicking myself in the butt, all along the perfect man has been right in front of me. But because of my self worth I didn’t think I deserved prefect…. Too bad I can’t marry him since he’s already married to my mom. I love you dad and I love that our relationship continues to get better and better with age, just like you.

I would like to tell you about the bravest person I know.

Not so long ago, someone I wasn’t very close with made a pretty bad enemy. Not on purpose, but sometimes, whether intentional or not, these things happen. This enemy liked to do sneaky, backhanded things, like find ways to try to hurt you, however it can. She tried to avoid it, but eventually the enemy found her and captured her, kidnapping her. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It would let her wander around freely, with the requirements of checking in on a schedule for torture and other such monstrosities. I was allowed to visit her and soon, because of a shared hatred for this enemy, we became closer than I could have ever hoped. I started to learn that my initial impressions were wrong. Next to me wasn’t a the person I thought she was at all. Instead a funny, warm, compassionate, and very scared girl. She fought hard and on his schedule, afraid to deviate by penalty of death. But the enemy was strong and she would get tired. She knew that when she had to go to the enemies lair, she would be forced to take poison, be kept awake for days at a time, and be a guinea pig for whatever experiments he wanted to torture her with. She would hold my hand and I would walk her in, only able to stand by her side and watch. The poison she was given often made her feel like dying would be a better option, but we reminded each other that eventually the enemy would get bored and let her go, and all we needed to do was wait it out.

So day after day and week after week, she would try to put on a smile and force one foot in front of the other to go to the last place she ever wanted to go. There were days where I had to put on brave face because I knew how sick she was going to get and how completely helpless I felt. All I wanted more than anything was to tell the enemy that I would take the poison and the pain, if he would just let her live and leave her alone. But, once someone is chosen, there isn’t anyone that can volunteer to take their place. I tried to be there for her as much as possible, but sometimes fell short, unable to cope with her pain, loving her like I do. But every time, when I fell short, she would be there carrying me… This little thing, that became even smaller, was carrying me… It should have been the other way around.

We got closer and closer, bonded now in a way I only dreamt was possible. One day, she told me she didn’t want to do it anymore, this was the moment the enemy wanted… To break her, make it impossible for her to remember that this was temporary and to hang in there. She told me that and I realized I needed her. I didn’t want to let her quit and the enemy win, I wanted her to fight with everything she had because I can’t do life without her.

I will always admire my 14 year old daughter for fighting cancer with everything she had and teaching me levels of bravery, courage, and humor I didn’t know existed.

You amaze me, every single day. And every day you are in remission is another day I know it’s only because you were brave enough to say if this is what it takes to keep living.

I love you.

Every day I carry guilt, ridiculous amounts of it. Guilt for not doing things that have been on my todo list for ages. Guilt for failing to meet expectations.. At work, with parents, with friends, you get the point. The worst of all these though is the guilt that comes from being a mom. No one prepares you for that. Guilt after realizing that what you thought was the best decision for your genetic products didn’t turn out as well as you’d hoped. Guilt for sometimes giving them cereal for dinner because you’re either too tired or just don’t feel like cooking that night. Guilt for knowing you let them watch way too much tv, play way too many video games and eat way too much junk food… All if these you have to keep as silent guilt though, because none of us would ever admit to another mother what really goes on to get that peaceful hour in the bath without having to hear “mommy”. Then there’s the guilt the mini-me puts on you. It’s their way of testing their negotiation and sales skills. “Mommy, all the other kids have an iPhone5 and they make fun of me because I have a flip phone… You don’t want me to be made fun of do you.” Followed by a slight tilt of the head and a few very slow and deliberate blinks that cause the bottom lip to stick out just a little. Too cute.

Every decision I have made for or with my children has been visited after the fact and mulled over, analyzed and finally thrown in the permanent guilt vault. Convenient though, that guilt vault… It’s there so if I ever run into a situation where I feel completely at peace with all the decisions I’ve just made I can immediately access the vault and the most traumatic ones always hang out in the front for easy access.

So while I sit typing this and watching my little “not ripe yet adults” sleeping, I realize I will probably feel guilty for the rest of my life.. For decisions I make for them, for decisions they make for themselves, and for those things I forgot to tell them until it was after it was too late and now there are guilty consequences to deal with. But I also would change one single decision I’ve made and had to struggle through with them. I often tell my oldest that she needs to remember that all of her firsts are my firsts too, and please try to understand that we both are going to screw things up royally sometimes, but as long as we stick together, not only will everything be ok, but someday I will be able to close the guilt vault and lose the key.

something I’ve kind of sucked at my entire adult life (other than not learning my lessons the easy way), is staying too long in a bad situation. Relationships are not my strong point. The good ones I seem to self-sabotage and the abusive or bad ones I seem to always come back to get more. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve done so much bad that I deserve to be punished, whether it’s self punishment or other. Then when things go bad, I blame myself. And if that isn’t enough, I punish myself too. It’s a horrible habit and I know I do it, but how do I stop? How do I take myself back to the point I was at when I was proud of myself? Before I made decisions that nearly cost me everything. How do I remember that I am worth something to someone somewhere and there is a person out there that won’t treat me like a doormat or like toilet paper? How do I know I’m not teaching my kids that those bad relationships are ok? After all, I keep going back. They see me put up with crap, cry for hours because the pain is unbearable and then wipe the tears and get up to get some more. How do I make sure to teach my sons that all women deserve to be heard and respected and that sometimes, while emotional, a lot of our passion comes from a very deep sense of commitment and desire to please the other person. And my daughters, that their future spouses should treat them with respect, speak gently with them and listen to all their hopes and fears and share them, regardless of how silly they may seem. I know something has to change, but I don’t know how. The hardest year of our lives is almost at it’s end. I can see it with the rest of my family. I know it’s going to bring new beginnings, hopes, opportunities and dreams. I realized part of why I’ve been struggling so badly is because I don’t have any dreams, hopes or goals… and haven’t for awhile. That’s my next project, remember how to dream. I may need help from the kids on this one. I also want to get back to writing, not just to vent (because I’ve been doing that a lot lately) but because I need to feel like I am accomplishing something bigger than me.