I love you because you are instruction free

Posted on February 11, 2013 by Admin

Technology has advanced beyond what our parents and their parents could dream… Most of them anyway. And yet, there still seems to be lacking some fundamental abilities, or functions everyone should be equipped with. Some people are, and to them… I envy you. I want 3 easy steps to let someone go. In three short, easy to follow steps you can find yourself able to stop thinking about a particular person constantly, better yet, you can shut off their ability to affect your core emotions. If you don’t care about someone, nothing they do can hurt you. I want a short, ten step guide on how to make a teenager trust and respect you. Easy, clear, understandable steps that turn anyone’s teenager into a respectful, honest, caring human. I want a manual that shows me how to turn on my “I don’t give a crap” button… I’ve been looking for that button for 25 years…. I’m pretty sure my model was made without it. There’s just some things I would love to shut out of my caring spectrometer at least temporarily until I can figure everything else out. All of these should be handed out to everyone at specific ages based on current situations. The above about the teenager isn’t because I’m having any issues with mine, I just see some and though I’m grateful mine was made differently, I feel for others and wish there was a quick fix. And as far as letting things go, I feel like that’s going to be a struggle of mine for a long time to come. If I find an easy way to do it, I’ll let you know.

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I love you because you taught me

Posted on January 27, 2013 by Admin

Love is realizing you would rather be the one in pain instead of watching someone else have to be.
Love is choosing to forgive even when it hurts.
Love is knowing when to walk away, even though ever single fiber of your being is telling you to stay.
Love is knowing that someday, what you give out will be returned.
Most of all, love is completely unconditional, and unable to be taken advantage of, anything else, isn’t love.

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I love you because you can’t kill me

Posted on January 18, 2013 by Admin

This too shall pass. I’ve said that more times then most people will in their entire lives in the last 24 months. I used to feel like I was on the bottom of a very short but very heavy support tower, nowadays I feel like I’m in the closer to the top with a load that’s just as heavy, but a ton of people below me that if they weren’t there, there’s no way I could carry this. Good things that have come com the crap that is going on? Well, first and most important, I do not tolerate things that stress me out for very long at all… Usually I make a decision on whether or not I need to deal with them (most of the time the answer is no) and I dump it and move on. It has put an entire new numbering order to the things I find important now. The way things were, I used to fill my time (and the time that wasn’t mine) with horrible, unhealthy things. Now, I struggle with the guilt, because time is suddenly shorter, and much, much more valuable. An hour, a precious single hour can mean so much and I can accomplish amazing things that before it would take days. There are no more rose colored glasses, just very clear ones, or the very bright color of reality. Everyday, because there are still quite a few people that are relying on me, I have to look for those things that make today and everyday worth waking up and doing what needs to be done. Find the laughter in the smallest things, comfort in the fuzzy ones and protection in the hugs and snuggles. image

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I love you because you are here now

Posted on December 25, 2012 by Admin

I got on here just now, thinking that it’d been a long, long time since the last post. I realized,in the real world, it’s only been a month. In my world, it feels a lot longer than that. I have been avoiding posting for a few reasons, the main one being, I wasn’t sure how to handle certain people knowing what’s going on. But then I realized, no one really reads this right now, and those people don’t matter – they no longer have control over me. Just now, being in the present matters, with those people that matter. 11/12/12 – the day that changed everything. Life became less about me and more about someone… something else. Which is fine. I think I needed that reminder more than I knew, that life is so beautifully simplicated. Yes, I just made up a word. Simply complicated. Nothing has been simple with us lately. Days are running into night are running into days again. I forget more often than not what day of the week it is, or better even, what time of day it is. Breakfast time can run anywhere from 6am till 2 pm, and dinner from 2pm till 4am. Most of the time the blinds are drawn and the artificial light makes it easier for me to convince myself that it’s whatever time my screwed up internal clock is telling me it is. Life has become one doctors appointment after another with small breaks to go home in between. If I’m lucky, those small breaks are when I sleep, eat, and see my children. If I’m not lucky, I go through them like a good zombie puppet, saying and doing what I’m supposed to at the right times, feeling like a piece of thin glass bending in an unnatural way, beginning to crack. I don’t know what I’d do without my parents, they have assumed the parent roles for the kids, making sure life stays as normal as possible for them. As normal as it can be anyway. I never thought I would ever be in this position, this doesn’t happen to my family, definitely happens, just not to my family. I still wake up worst days and feel like I’m watching someone else’s life from the outside. I wonder when it’s going to feel real, or will it ever feel real? Her and I, I know most days we are holding hands and on the outside convincing each other things will be ok. But I wonder if she knows on the inside, I feel just as scared as she does? That Im convincing myself as much as I am her that things will be ok? I smile through it, tell her it’ll be ok this time, that it won’t hurt as much this time, that it’ll last not as long this time, knowing that every single word is a lie, but a lie she needs to hear to get through it. I feel guilty, often, for letting them hurt her, knowing its for the best (at least that’s what they tell me) and that without it, time we deserve, will be stolen. I feel closer to her than than ever. Funny thing is that she leans on me, and I get that, she has to.. I don’t mind. But does she feel me leaning right back on her? The rare moments I don’t think I can go one more minute, make it ok for her one more time, she grabs my hand and tells me it’ll be ok…. At that very moment for just a minute, things are ok… and we can laugh at the farting noises the bed makes forgetting everything… just for a moment.

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I love you because you can punch me, but I won’t stay down

Posted on November 19, 2012 by Admin

It’s not everyday or even every person that gets to face their own inner strength so early in life, in such a rare, raw way. The last 2 years have been a blur with intermittent moments of memories…  most of which are ones that when they resurface like visions in a hangover, I shove them down even deeper, in hopes they will never become actual permanent residents in my imaginarium timeline.  That is until a week ago, when time that was speeding – I wanted to slow down and the time that was slow – I wanted to hold onto every single second as though it would be the last. Funny how quickly things change.

I know the upcoming year will produce more challenges I never thought I’d have to face, not just for me, but my family as well. But I also know that it will hold many moments I will be completely aware and coherent for. Moments I can close my eyes and flip through like an album. Memories that will now be ones I wouldn’t trade for anything. I feel like every time I come to terms with the latest earthquake that shook my family, and we begin to find fresh, stable dirt…. Here’s comes another one to try to blow us over, drown us, or separate us. This one, like the last one, will make us stronger, I know it already has me. I’m getting the opportunity to recognize my own weakness and strength through the tests of our bonds as a family, as well as begin to recognize depth in qualities I had taken for granted. I’ve also learned that my family doesn’t just mean those I share genetic markers with. My family extends so far beyond that.

Thank you to everyone that was with me while I climbed my mountain in October. Thank you to all of you that were there when I got to the top and celebrated with/for me. And thank you to everyone that has been there for the beginning of this one. It’s a rather large elephant, but he doesn’t taste bad, and I’m hungry. So while we eat him, one bite at a time… A special thanks to all of you that will be there with barf buckets in case we eat too much, anti-acids for when we get to the really tough parts, blankets, pillows, towels and flashlights, so we can keep eating him, even through the nights, and some salt and pepper so when we just can’t stand one more bite… you all have been incredible, through this elephant and the last ones, and over the mountain and future ones. I don’t know how I/we could have made it this far, without each of you. We will eat this elephant, and if I have to do it while climbing a mountain, then so be it.

But watch out, when we get to the other side and the elephant is gone… It’s going to be a party like you’ve never seen.

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I love you because you didn’t succeed…

Posted on November 2, 2012 by Admin

I just went through and read the last few posts. Wow, things change, and quickly. After taking almost solid two months to myself to “fix” some things, I can finally look at the future with vision that has exceeded anything from the past, immeasurably. I read how mentally I have been at this point before, how even for a short time physically, but this time I am mentally, physically and emotionally ready. I am 24 days into my journey. One with a promise of a future and hope for success.

Along with this new mentality and position is a lot of change. Most of it has been horribly uncomfortable, yet absolutely necessary. And it’s not done yet either… unfortunately. I have no idea what tomorrow holds anymore, and I’m learning that’s ok. Not easy, but ok. I’m also learning that there’s a lot of people who, unfortunately, will not be part of this incredibly bright future I can now see.

It’s such an awkward thing, not being able to see or know how things are going to turn out. And to be able to trust that. It’s incredibly nerve rattling. I found comfort in the way things used to be, as unhealthy as it was. It was routine, and “normal”. I knew what to expect and what was expected of me.

Living these last years of life as two people, both behind a huge curtain, became so second nature that I failed to see that it was killing me. The focus of maintaining the facade was so intense, that I failed to recognize the crumbling and decay of everything I used to be proud of and hold dear. Life had become a series of choices, each becoming more and more primal and eventually, equally as important to my individuality surviving. While at the exact same time feeling as though I was gaining some twisted sense of how the world and I worked and everything in it. When in reality, I was trying to kill myself, as quickly as possible.

Pursuing some higher understanding and intimacy level with others was a dangerous dance with self loathing and complete hatred for anyone and anything that may have claimed to know better than I. This went on until I finally couldn’t distinguish the line between right and wrong or happy and manic. But all of that aside, I did survive. I will not settle any longer for second best. Survival was what I once reached for. But survival is easy, handed to some as if they deserve it.

Survival is not for me… no… I will thrive.

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I love you because you push the boundaries

Posted on September 19, 2012 by Admin

Lots of people talk about living today like it’s the last one. Wouldn’t most of us be out somewhere doing something either really stupid or really dangerous? I know that after I had said goodbye to family and friends, I would probably try sky diving.. or maybe go jump in the big tank with the sharks, just to see what it’s like. Maybe what “they” really mean is that you should live it being grateful for everything you have and things in your life like this is the last day you’ll have them. I take that as quit wasting time, if you have the opportunity to see family out of state, go see them. If your sister calls and wants to have dinner, go.. don’t put it off for a month. Seizing the moment isn’t as easy or glamorous as people make it out to be though. It’s a big part of unselfish sometimes that alot of people tend to shove way down inside under appointments, work, dates, and everything else that is important to “me”. Funny thing is… when you seize the small moments, the reward to yourself is huge. Part of the I love you project is seizing the moments for other people, making sure that when I get home at night I have zero regrets for anything I’ve done all day. It helps with making big decisions as well, looking at both sides and deciding if I made a decision one way, would I regret not going the other. It often leads me to play riskier than I have in the past.

Out of the blue the other day, my oldest was kind enough to remind me that her birthday was coming up.. I’m always glad when they do that, since I tend to forget which one’s when in regards to the kids. She was nice enough to write a list of what she wanted as a gift.

#1. a girl dog from the pound that stays small forever and doesn’t shed

#2. a tag that says Sophie

#3. a bowl, food, and toy from the pet store

#4. shampoo

#5. leash and collar

After asking about the shampoo – she said it was for her, I explained she doesn’t need to put basic essentials on her birthday list, we discusses why a dog might not be a good idea right now. We don’t live in the biggest house and there’s 6 of us crammed in here most of the time. I watched her take the news and then very diplomatically ask “how will I ever learn to be responsible, if you won’t let me try”. Couldn’t argue with that and the followed promises of dishes and laundry being done without complaint. So, we seized a moment and went and got adopted by a little dog who now has comfortably made himself at home on my bed. Seizing the moment and living for today has become more of a external goal. How many people can I impact today?

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I love you because you made me study…

Posted on September 1, 2012 by Admin

Here I am at the end of week one.And as with all things you have to learn, there will of course, be a test. Why is it they put tests at the end of an emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically period of time? I personally believe it should be at the beginning, then spend the rest of the allotted time reviewing what you didn’t get right on the test. Then you come into your weekend not completely trashed, looking to get trashed.

This is a test I’ve taken before, and failed. This time though, I’ve been studying harder than ever, making sure I’ve accounted for every single variable. I will eat right, sleep well, and remain focused on obtaining the highest grade possible. If I pass, I will be tested often, but decrease in difficulty while increasing the reward upon passing. Sounds like an amazing deal? Passing these tests will enable me to accomplish things I otherwise will not have the opportunity.

Thank you to N, B, M, D, and everyone else that has helped me study. Whether you stayed up all night with me, quizzed me constantly, made quiet time possible, or wiped my tears when I felt like I was trying to overcome something impossible, you are an irreplaceable, priceless, perfect part of my life, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.

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I love you because you are strong enough

Posted on August 27, 2012 by Admin

Today I began a new life, one with hope, and a promise of a future. Unfortunately, it also meant I’m leaving a lot behind. People that mean more to me than I ever thought possible, habits that I’ve acquired over years, routines that are second nature, everything I know, everything that’s comfortable. I’m terrified, excited and absolutely ready.

I think I’ve been ready for a long time, just haven’t known how to take that first step, so slowly, one by one, I’ve been removing people and things from my life through various means preparing for this moment. Some people I’ve intentionally made upset, so they won’t speak with me anymore. Some I’ve changed my phone number and “lost contact”.

Funny, I wrote the above on June 23, 2012. I thought at that moment that I would be changing everything, and I had every intention of doing so. It just goes to show you how easily you can fall backwards into things that may be loads of fun, but not good for you or your family at all. Here I am again, beginning at step one, again. I hope this will be the last time, I pray this will be the last time. I’m not going to say I know I’ll fail because that’s what I’m supposed to do statistically, because this time it’s not an option. I’ve grown sick of who I am trapped in this life, these pattern of choices. Because that’s all this is, a pattern of repeat choices that I continue to make. It’s no one else’s fault or influence, and it will be no one else’s success or drive that brings me through it on the other side. I would love to have a reason for changing, but the truth is, the only way I’ll really change is if I do it for me. I’m still terrified, but full of anticipation. I will succeed this time.

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I love you because you knew exactly what I needed…

Posted on August 17, 2012 by Admin

I was given a gift the other day. One that was perfect in its timing and more valuable than anything I own. I didn’t even realize how bad I wanted and needed it until the hints that I might be getting it started dropping. Then I couldn’t think about anything else. I felt like a little kid again – the days before Christmas, counting, preparing, waiting, and tingling with anticipation. Then finally the day had arrived, I was so excited – I already knew today was the day I got to use my gift.

The person that gave it to me was the only person I would have accepted it from as I don’t think anyone else would have been able to give me the value it deserved and the full benefits that came with it. I will be forever in her debt because the gift cost her so much.

I have seen many, many people receive this gift and then use it with extreme stupidity or set it aside as if it has no value. Those that have been told they cannot use theirs much longer would give literally anything to get even the smallest piece of it. Those that have an abundance of it, take it for granted. This gift comes with prejudice, the older you are the smaller your piece, sometimes, depending on the person, younger years gives you less as well. And if you treat this gift gently, taking care of it cautiously and spreading it out, using it only when necessary, it can last for years.

I got to share mine with 4 wonderful, talented, smart, gorgeous women, who knew exactly how to help me use it, since I have been out of practice since the last time I had any in 1998. So, thank you to all of them, i am also in your debt for teaching me how to use it the right way.

And thank you to the special person that gave it to me… my amazing night out, with my gift of time.

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