I Love You Just Because…

Life is a journey, and the older I get I begin to actually see what that means more and more. As a young adult, you feel as though you know everything, no one can teach you anything, Then you begin to find yourself, or at least what you think is a version of yourself that will stay with you through adulthood. And after some time in that skin you become comfortable with who you think you are and your thought process begins to change again. Recently I was asked if I thought that people change as they become older. I said yes at first, and then really thought about what that meant. Change what exactly? Who I am is still the person I was at 5, 8, and 16, but now with more experiences that have shaped further those prominent traits that were prevalent then. I am still the compassionate person I was when I was listening to a story at the dinner table in 1991 with my family and table talk turned to a high school student that had attempted to commit suicide the day before. I was moved to tears and had to excuse myself. I still feel the unmistakable pull to help those with less than I have, even when I have nothing.

I haven’t written lately (not sure anyone reads this anymore anyway), because I feel like I’m… going through the fire… I guess that’s a good way to put it. I am an addict. I have been an addict for a long time. I’ve been trying to deal with my addiction for a long time and I am finally free, 8 weeks free on Monday. I reached a point where I had to take a hard look at myself and the direction I was taking my family. I realized I was holding on to my addiction, placing it first above anything else in my life. I had to let it go before I lost everything. it has cost me alot, and I will continue to pay the cost for many years to come I’m sure.

I feel as though we all have something in our lives we’re addicted to, whether it’s a good addiction, or an unhealthy one, is the only thing that makes things a little different. But we all have something that when we’re told we can’t have it, we turn into “survival” mode and begin to do things out of the norm to restore the previous outlet, to get that next “fix”. As I look behind me, only long enough to quickly view where I’ve been, it reminds me the distance I’ve gained and the mountains I’ve overcome. I know that the only option for me now is to move forward into a world that suddenly has more possibilities and opportunities than ever before. I will continue to grow, and things around me will change, but I will again find the person I was.

So much has changed. New job, new house (sort of), new relationship, new beginnings and directions, new everything. The job is amazing, better than I ever expected. I can carry on conversations with doctors, professors and the world’s smart people without feeling stupid. Occasionally I can teach them something too. (best feeling ever!) I’m learning to make decisions based on my resources and current knowledge, and to be OK with the outcome of those decisions (even if it means learning they were the wrong ones). I’m learning that even though I can’t see it, there is a reason for everything, always; and without fail, prayer works. I’m learning to dig inside and really get in touch with my emotions, something I haven’t really done for a few years. Feeling again after so long kinda sucks sometimes, but it also makes for some really great moments too. I feel like even though everything is in a constant state of chaos and nothing is secure right now, everything will still be OK.

So I mentioned that the job is awesome! And it is. The people, on the other hand are less than stellar. They make for good stories when I get home. Those “I can’t believe people behave that way” kind of stories. There’s a few good people too… they were hard to find, had to dig for a few weeks, but I found them. One in particular is an amazing lady, who always sees the brighter side of everything. I know if something is bugging me, I just need to go on a walk with her and I come back ready to face the rest of the day and all it has to throw at me. She is truly a beautiful soul. The makings of a great life-time friend.

I’m also figuring out the very different corporate world… like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Talents are appreciated, but being obnoxious and in the way all the time seems to be working to get ahead and get what you want. I keep reminding myself that these people will all go their separate way and the chances of me having to sit next to them for the next 18 months are slim. The other thing I’m getting used to is the total lack of productivity. No one does anything  70%-98% of the time. The 70% is being generous only because occasionally we have classes. The rest of the time is spent by the majority talking about what they’re going to do the next weekend, or what they just got done doing, depending on whether it’s before or after Wednesday. The lack of productivity amazes me… and what’s worse… there’s really nothing to do.. at all. We’re between training sections right now, so the majority is supposed to catch up on their testing. The rest of us, we have studied, quizzed each other, and done pretty much anything we could think of to try to stay busy.. today, I ran out of things. it’s a great job, but I didn’t realize how much I needed to stay busy until now. I feel like punching a puppy (not really, unless it was an ugly puppy). Crawling out of my skin, every little thing is driving me crazy, more than normal. The whining and childishness of the cube buddies was extra irritating. Alot of people would kill for this job, and I’m truly grateful, but I have run out of crayons and there’s no one to play cards with.

I went to Myspace tonight, on a whim.. wanted to see if it was the same as it’s been for the last 4-6 years since the big facepage takeover. It is. It’s alot more musically enhanced (new music players etc.) and I still have the same 4 friends I had back then too. I stumbled across some blogs I wrote and began to read. As I started to read, paying attention to the dates, I realized how many life-changing events had occured in the last 6 years. Four relationships, an unplanned pregnancy, 2 marraiges, one annulment, 3 job changes, a carreer move, a college degree, 14 lost friends, 6 new ones, 2 steady ones, and a completely new view and outlook on my future and life in general. I read through an entire relationship, beginning to end. Through a friendship dying in order to turn into something better. Through the pain and confusion of choosing to become a mommy for the fifth time, alone. I read and was able to recognize the moment I think I hit bottom at that point in my life. Have you ever been able to relate to your past self? That was my moment.

Things have been stressful lately. New job, with alot of new pressures and expectations. Jumping through more hoops than ever to make a better life for my family. Combine that with the pressure of raising kids that won’t slow down for anything, and dealing with more closeted issues than I wanted to admit to myself. Ugh. But three days ago, I passed the first test of three (for work) and decided that my life was worth more than the direction I had been letting it drive me, and I took back my control. I know the last two years and everything I’ve put up with and let happen will someday become past experiences I can share, inspire and maybe even save someone from the dark place I just came from. There is a light, because I just came out of the tunnell. I can breathe, for the first time in as long as I can remember. There is reason, purpose for everything and I guess i just needed my past-self to remind me of that. I survived then, and I’ll survive now.

So you work hard.. you fail, alot. You also succeed sometimes. Every success, you learn to celebrate. Then you fail, hard.. harder than you ever have… mortality even may play a part. Looking at the very making of your being to determine where you feel the flaw is. Now it’s been a long time since you feel like you’ve done anything successful, anything that you can be proud of. There’s increasing pressure now from not just yourself, but your family to do better, to make their lives better too. The pressure becomes unbearable, so you begin to look for ways to alleviate it. Some good, some bad.. nothing really ever helps. Then, someone gives you a break. Things start to fall into place like a well oiled machine, or like a precision cut puzzle. You wonder if you deserve this. You wonder if this is the fruits of your labors, answer to prayers, or even if your dreams are coming true sometimes. You’re so close to tasting the grass on the other side of the fence. You wonder if you’re strong enough, smart enough… brave enough to be what they all think you can be, what you should be.

I wish I had the ability to relax and just let things go where they might…

“What does not kill you just makes you stronger”
“Growing is never comfortable”

I’ve heard both of these many times, not just referencing my life, but referencing those around me. I’ve watched other’s lives from a window outside, just as an observer, sometimes in awe, sometimes sympathetic, and sometimes with sorrow. Sometimes I’ve watched my own life this way. When there’s good times, everything runs smoothly, and nothing to oppose, the bad times seem to disappear. Comparative to when you are in labor and it sucks so bad until it’s over and then for most of us, we forget how horrible it was because the payoff is that amazing. But, every rough time seems to be a marathon test in endurance and stamina. I have failed, more times that I feel I have succeeded. I believe that life is going to take a drastic turn soon.

Nine months ago an earthquake occurred causing a complete reevaluation of the foundation of the direction of not just my life, but the rest of my family as well. I had to look at where I was going, where I wanted to go, and where the rest of them were willing to go with me. Now, today, I find myself doing it again. Looking at the direction my lief is headed and the opportunities that will come from this direction. While the decisions now are not as pressing as they were nine months ago, I do believe that they are more important.

So, we’ve set goals, some realistic, some slightly unrealistic.. all will be obtained though. I am the only person holding myself back, and the only reason I’m not going where I should be, or want to be.

Chose your directions carefully, but with the faith that no matter what you chose, you can always make adjustments to move in whatever direction your heart desires. Nothing is written in stone. You are not destined to fail.

I’m so much harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. I take responsibility for not just my mistakes, but the mistakes of anyone I’m responsible for or have any direct connection to. When they fail, I feel as though I’ve failed them.

I just read 2500 words I just wrote and decided the only part of what I wrote that was worth keeping was the 3 sentences above. I’ve tried to not use this as a place to vent or “dump”. Which is why there’s a big gap between some of the writings. I was raised being told if I didn’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. Why would I want to bring a downer to your day, life is already sad (and hard) enough sometimes.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m struggling so much lately. Why it feels like nothing is or will go my way. And not even my way, just a different way than this would be good. I’ve realized I carry guilt, a lot of it. I think it comes with being a mom. When you sign that birth certificate paperwork in the hospital, I think you’re actually signing a guilt/worry clause. I’m pretty sure the fine print looks something like this.

• I will always wonder until at least the age of 4 (longer if this is my only child) that he/she is still breathing throughout the night, and if necessary I will check on him/her a minimum of 4 times an hour through the night for at least the first 18 months, and if I don’t I feel guilty
• When at the grocery store and I see a mom with a child older than my throwing a horrible temper tantrum, I will wonder if I’m unknowingly creating that monster, and then I’ll feel guilty for giving into something
• I will blame myself when I gave a 5yr old a full cup of water before bed and 4 hours later am awoken because the bed is now wet and I feel guilty because I caused the interruption to their sleep
• I will cry and feel guilty when I drop them off for kindergarten, grade school, junior high, and college because they’re growing up too fast and I feel like I missed something huge
• I will feel guilty for letting him/her eat dry cereal and a bowl of milk off the kitchen floor “like a puppy” for dinner because I got home from a ten hour day at work and have no energy to cook
• I will feel guilty because I will take “shortcuts” on the bedtime stories he/she picks out because it’s a chapter book and “I wanna hear the whole thing before bed”
• I will feel guilty because I have to work and be away from him/her
• I will feel guilty because I want to go to work sometimes
• I will feel guilty because I can’t buy he/she everything they want
• I will feel guilty because I can’t make the other children at school like my child
• I will feel guilty because I can’t be there to protect he/she all the time
• I will feel guilty when I forget a birthday, or just don’t bother mentioning it until a few weeks later when it fits better into my schedule
• I will feel guilty when for the first 3-4 years of his/her life I didn’t tell them about Christmas, Easter, Halloween or their birthdays at all because they would still play with a paper box for weeks and be thrilled
• I will feel guilty because there’s some days I will need a timeout
• I will feel guilty because my style of parenting is drastically different than others
• I will feel guilty because everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing, how I should raise him/her and what I should name them
• I will feel guilty because I won’t know if I have adequately prepared my child for junior high and beyond until they succeed or fail
• I will feel guilty when they fail (because they will fail at something)
• I will feel guilty when I cry in front of him/her
• I will constantly feel guilty because there’s never going to be anyone to tell me if I’m doing the right thing, or a good thing as a parent
• I will feel guilty for losing my temper
• I will feel guilty because I will reach a point with socks that I will send he/she to school wearing two different colors because finding the match was near impossible
• I will feel guilty for every subsequent child I have that I am more and more lenient with
• I will feel guilty because I let a small hand on my cheek and the words “mommy, I love you” melt my heart and allow certain injustices including but not limited to (gutter baths [see subsection 1.2 for definition] Popsicles for breakfast, snipe hunting on a school night, naked ice cream parties, donut runs at 3am, “picnic” dinners on the living room floor, happy meals, etc.)
• I will feel guilty for feeling guilty for everything above and many more things to be discovered

I will never claim to be a perfect parent. I won’t even claim to be a good one until they are grown up and I have grandchildren. Sometimes, no matter how crazy the rest of my life gets and how over-burdened I am because of life, I just need to stop and remember why I feel guilty all the time. I wouldn’t trade the guilt in for anything, it means I care and that I’m not perfect, but that’s what makes it interesting.