I Love You Just Because…

As the year came to a close, I noticed on social media the common theme was
“This year was horrible, I hope the next year is better.” They scream that they are all looking for hope. Hope of a new future, the next chapter, positive change. And I realized, it bothered me. Truthfully, it kind of ticked me off. What happened to being grateful for the moments we get, good and bad? What happened to working hard, being self-motivated, and going after what you want. I feel like we have officially entered an era where this generation is waiting for life to give them what they are owed. Spoiler, life doesn’t owe anyone. Ever. A few years ago, I began to look at everything differently. What defines us, isn’t what life happened to us, but what we do with the things that do happen. How much fight we have, drive we pull, happiness we create. I watch friend after friend talk about how the year was horrible, they didn’t achieve anything they were thinking they would have because they sat back and waited for it to happen. Causing the severe disappointment when the winning lotto ticket didn’t fall in their lap. This year was full of devastating losses, but it was one of the best years I’ve ever had.

I lost my grandfather, someone I thought was immortal. He silently inspired me by showing me unyielding patience, not only with me, but with my kids. The loss is still incredibly painful, not only for me, but for my parents, my kids and my grandma, and everyone whose lives he touched.

Because I lost him, I was able to learn that the love I dreamed about as a child does exist, there can be years of commitment and fairytale togetherness with the right person. And that we shouldn’t take even one moment for granted. The difference between the next time and the last time you see someone could be minutes.

I lost the man I thought I would be with forever, someone I thought was a best friend, and in doing so, I realized you can’t fight for someone when they won’t fight for you.

But I gained the ability to love me for me, not for what someone else thinks I should be.

I lost several people this year that I thought would be in my life forever. Some of them may eventually make their way back, but I’m done chasing and compromising who I am and my beliefs for their benefit.

But I gained the ability to let go. It doesn’t shut off my love for them, but it does let me live with no regrets and no shame. If I’m happy with who I am, then I don’t care if those that choose to exit don’t want the real me in their life.

I lost a drug addiction, for good. Not just a drug addiction, but addiction period. I realized that being in unhealthy relationships because I was compromising who I was, were making it too easy to have an excuse to use.

But I gained the wisdom I needed to see a bad situation before it happens, and the strength to stay away from them completely.

I lost my safety net. It became time for me to stand in my own feet again. And quit relying completely on others to try to hold my life together.

But I learned it’s ok to fail, as long as you get back up and try again. I also gained the knowledge that I am capable of whatever I put my mind to, something I had forgotten long ago.

I lost my fear of cancer.

But I learned that the people that could see through the attempts to be strong, when all I felt was the overwhelming desire to sit in the corner, cry, and give up, are the ones I want to keep around forever.

I lost my timid self.

But I realized the only way I will get to where I want to be, is going after it myself. And be somewhat loud about it.

I lost depression. It started by making a conscious effort every day to get excited to wake up, go to work, maybe make a difference for some of the amazing men I see every day. I realize that this doesn’t sound like a bad loss, but I was comfortable and complacent in my depression.

But I gained natural joy. Now I don’t have to make an effort, I find myself with a grin on my face all day long, without realizing it. Oddly enough, those grins are kind of contagious.

I lost a lot of weight, partially because of the radiation, but mostly because I decided to spend a large part of my down time being active and in doing so, I also lost my craving for junk food, sugars and soda. Again, doesn’t sound like a horrible loss, but in it, I lost my need to eat my feelings.

I’ve gained the realization that I can make things happen exactly as I want them to, and that nothing controls me, but me.

I lost my need for codependency.

And I’ve gained the ability to be happy alone, which has made turning down options that might not be the best for me, easily. And allowed me to find someone that is better for me than I thought was possible.

If I were to take in to account just the losses, it was one of the toughest yet. But when I look at what I’ve gained, there isn’t even a comparison. More than anything I’ve lost or gained this year, I got the lesson that every hard moment is an opportunity to build myself up stronger than before, so when I come out on the other side, I’m even more untouchable and indestructible than I was before.

So, think about all the struggles you’ve had this last year, and be grateful that you got the opportunity to find inner strength you didn’t know existed, friends that wouldn’t give up on you no matter what, or people that believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Or maybe you are learning to believe in yourself. Be grateful you get to wake up every morning and go be the badass your struggles are shaping you into. You never know who you will run into today and what an inspiration you might be to them, whether you know it or not. This year holds whatever you choose to make of it. It probably is going to have some serious bumps… but you and you alone, will determine if this is the best year you’ve ever had.

Our initial reaction to pain, not physical, but emotional or mental is to coil from it. Retract into ourselves. Someone says something painful or does something that hurts. Someone makes fun of you. A boyfriend forgets an important date. A girlfriend tells you you’re lazy. A stranger cuts you off and you feel invisible. The person you thought you were supposed to be with forever, walks away. Devastation, heart break, self-doubt. You retreat inside yourself, mentally licking your wounds, wondering why you aren’t good enough and you begin the spiral of analyzing your entire way of thought. Why can some people so easily hurt you and cut so deeply, sometimes in ways you can’t ever imagine yourself hurting anyone else the same way.

Know that they were hurt the same way by someone they cared about at some point in their lives. They probably shut themselves off to future hurt and by doing so shut off the compassion they were able to feel for other people. I’m not making excuses for them, and we all heard it growing up from someone the firs time someone at school made fun of you and you told your parental figure. The response is similar to “they just don’t feel good about themselves so they are making fun of someone else”. Whole that may be true, it doesn’t make the pain any less. The damage has been done. Someone you cared about, or cared what they thought of you did or said something that made you doubt who you are. Some take weeks or years to recover from. But about a year ago, I was letting myself get hurt over and over by someone I cared very much about, but it was clear they didn’t care the same for me. I didn’t care and I stuck myself in front of their train of nastiness, abuse and heartbreak, over and over. It hurt worse, every time. Until finally they were removed from my life. The pain of the removal stung, more than anything I’d ever felt before. And I wallowed in it, for weeks. Until I woke up one day and had had enough. I realized my love for this person would never go away, but for myself I needed to change something. So I decided to feel the pain. To stop shutting it off and trying to distract with other things. I embraced it. Pulled it close until I couldn’t breathe. And amazingly, something shifted almost immediately. I began to not only forgive, but release as well. Instead of a constant, wound licking pain that seemed never ending, in a matter of days, it went from sharp , knock you on the floor, take your breath away pain, to dull, quickly fading into nothingness pain. I forgave them, I moved on, I was able to put it in the past. So now, anytime anything hurts, I remind myself if I can’t feel the pain, it won’t ever get better and I grab it hard. I let it completely consume me, remind myself that I my worth and abilities are only limited by what I determine they are. It doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt. It means I’m not shutting down, I’m not dulling my feelings, I’m not shutting my compassion for others off. I am learning to remove negativity and hurtful people from my life. I am forgiving, and with that comes forgetting. I am more sensitive to the words that come out of my mouth and the promises I back up with actions.

Learning to embrace the pain is like being given truth that hurts. I would rather have someone be honest with me, even when it hurts, than to stretch out some soft blow over a long period of time. The difference is I know that’s only their truth, and while it might be real to them, I don’t have to let it be real to me. And if they really feel the way they do because they don’t see my worth the way I am, then maybe I need to evaluate who they are to me. I’ve let a lot of people go recently, and will continue throughout my life.

Be good to others, your harsh word, broken promise, or inability to see things from their perspective may hurt them more than you know, you might mean more to them than they tell you, and your ability to hurt them might far exceed your expectations.

So tired of feeling alone.
In a world full of so many souls.
All different, the need to connect with even one more difficult than I had hoped.
So superficial.
So busy.
So self involved.
People, say they care,
How is it that I feel like there is no one to talk to,
Days go by without meaningful connectivity,
I feel like I’ve chosen this.
This lonely, individual path.
This one,
That only I am walking on.

I’ve shared many paths.
Shared with people that have their own priorities
Their goals and dreams,
Their desires.
All masked,for a time, to look like something I wanted,
In reality,
When we arrived at a destination, whether they were fulfilled or not,
I never was.

So I chose to walk alone.
Or is it choose?
Occasionally distracted by the companionship of others,
Shortly realizing, again,
It just wasn’t right.
It isn’t right.

It’s not for me.
So I broke off, again, and again,

Walking alone.

There are days I feel it worse than others,
Those are the days I want more than anything,
To snuggle up to the idea of a partner that no one will ever fill completely.
Comforted by ideals that don’t exist in my world.
Yet.
The hope is still there,
Faint as it may be.

In the meantime,
Loneliness temporarily thwarted by the illusion of my other half.

But,
Maybe there is no other half.
Maybe I am a whole, alone.
Not needing a puzzle piece to fit mine,
Instead, finding the edges to my own picture, as I journey.
Building my own masterpiece through each obstacle I face alone.
Realizing that I don’t need the other side of the picture,
I need the frame.
A perfect compliment to my originality.
If my picture never gets framed,
It won’t make it any less beautiful or complete.

But today.
Today,
I’m still working on completing the abstract art that I am becoming,
And that patch of blue loneliness
Is now forever part of the landscape.

I’ve been accused of caring too much. I didn’t know that was a thing, or I guess I should say even a possibility. I still don’t think that’s a possibility… I think the world doesn’t care enough. I’ve come to realize that after I’ve know you awhile, something happens and I can no longer ‘not care’ about you. No matter what the course of our relationship, or obstacles that happen to be on the path, I can’t switch it off, ever. This includes people that have hurt or wronged me, no matter how bad it was. I don’t know why I’m built like this, but it makes for very long friendships/relationships. I might go a while without reaching out to you (especially if you hurt me), but if you pick up the phone and call me…. I’m always available for an ear, a shoulder… And many times, whatever else I can help with.

Why do I have to be a rescuer? It can incredibly rewarding, but mostly it’s incredibly exhausting and trying. Emotionally I find myself completely drained and broken into million pieces, over and over. I can’t tell you how my times I have prayed, or sought advice on how to be able to walk away, how to hold onto the pain and hurt that was caused, so I don’t get hurt again. I forgive easily and forget slightly after. And I open my heart and arms to anyone and everyone again and again. Always wanting to believe that they are really changed this time, and I’m not just being used, but that they actually will take the help I’m offering or they’ve asked for and use it as a launching pad for the better direction they claim they are looking for.

Unfortunately, the ones that have done the most damage, those are the ones my heart seems to hold onto harder, those are the ones I care about more and cry over harder, again and again. I want the best for them, those broken souls, the lost and directionless… But after so many times of jumping to their aid, and watching them crumble again and again after the resources from the help are gone… Maybe it’s time for tough love. Am I strong enough? Did I finally grow up enough to realize that I can’t save everyone by giving them what they want? Instead, I’m stepping back, praying a lot, and letting them take care of themselves for a change. Which is what they need. No easy outs, no spoon fed moments, no answers to the problems. Just a friend, who will be there to listen if you need.

So to you, my beautiful, broken, lost, hurting friend. A promise, forever.

I will be there to encourage you and tell you I’ve always believed you can be better, bigger and more incredible than you give yourself credit for. I will cheer you on, because I know you are capable. And I will always love you, for you, no matter how much you struggle, how many times you fall, or what path you choose. I will love you despite your failures and successes, when you have wealth and when you have nothing. I will love you unconditionally, unwaveringly and without expectations. You will always have a place in my heart and you are always on my mind. I am here, always. I believe in you.